Lycra Rules, OK?

[JennyB]

It's that time of year again. With the Tour de France starting tomorrow, there are a lot more wanabee racers around for trolling. But if you want to know what the hardcore old-school lycra thinks of your victims, I suggest you read The Rules

Some of the attitudes are surprisingly familiar :

Rule #9 / If you are out riding in bad weather, it means you are a badass. Period.
Fair-weather riding is a luxury reserved for Sunday afternoons and wide boulevards. Those who ride in foul weather – be it cold, wet, or inordinately hot – are members of a special club of riders who, on the morning of a big ride, pull back the curtain to check the weather and, upon seeing rain falling from the skies, allow a wry smile to spread across their face. This is a rider who loves the work.


Rule #10 / It never gets easier, you just go faster.
Climbing is hard. It stays hard. To put it another way, per Greg Henderson: “Training is like fighting with a gorilla. You don’t stop when you’re tired. You stop when the gorilla is tired.” Sur la Plaque, fucktards.


Rule #11 / Family does not come first. The bike does.
Sean Kelly, being interviewed after the ’84 Amstel Gold Race, spots his wife leaning against his Citroën AX. He interrupts the interview to tell her to get off the paintwork, to which she shrugs, “In your life the car comes first, then the bike, then me.” Instinctively, he snaps back, “You got the order wrong. The bike comes first.”

Rule #12 / The correct number of bikes to own is n+1.
While the minimum number of bikes one should own is three, the correct number is n+1, where n is the number of bikes currently owned. This equation may also be re-written as s-1, where s is the number of bikes owned that would result in separation from your partner.
...

Rule #43 / Don’t be a jackass.
But if you absolutely must be a jackass, be a funny jackass. Always remember, we’re all brothers and sisters on the road.
...
Rule #50 / Facial hair is to be carefully regulated.
No full beards, no moustaches. Goatees are permitted only if your name starts with “Marco” and ends with “Pantani”, or if your head is intentionally or unintentionally bald. One may never shave on the morning of an important race, as it saps your virility, and you need that to kick ass.

Rule #51 / Livestrong wristbands are cockrings for your arms.
You may as well get “tryhard wanker” tattooed on your forehead.

Rule #52 / Padding or body armor of any kind is not allowed.
If you find you need it, try pointing your bike up the hill for a change.

...

Rule #63 / Point in the direction you’re turning.
Signal a left turn by pointing your left arm to the left. To signal a right turn, simply point with your right arm to the right. This one is, presumably, mostly for Americans: that right-turn signal that Americans are taught to make with your left arm elbow-out and your forearm pointing upwards was developed for motor-vehicles prior to the invention of the electric turn signal since it was rather difficult to reach from the driver-side all the way out the passenger-side window to signal a right turn. On a bicycle, however, we don’t have this limitation and it is actually quite easy to point your right arm in the direction you are turning. The American right-turn signal just makes you look like you’re waving “hello” to traffic.


Rule #64 / Cornering confidence increases with time and experience.
This pattern continues until it falls sharply and suddenly.


Rule #65 / Maintain and respect your machine.
Bicycles must adhere to the Principle of Silence and as such must be meticulously maintained. It must be cherished, and when leaning it against a wall, must be leaned carefully such that only the bars, saddle, or tires come in contact with the wall or post. This is true even when dismounting prior to collapsing after the World Championship Time Trial. No squeaks, creaks, or chain noise allowed. Only the soothing hum of your tires upon the tarmac and the rhythm of your breathing may be audible when riding. When riding the Pave, the sound of chain slap is acceptable. The Principle of Silence can be extended to say that if you are suffering such that your breathing begins to adversely effect the enjoyment of the other riders in the bunch, you are to summarily sit up and allow yourself to be dropped.

 

[dogman dan]

Though a Lance Fan, I never wore a livestrong tryhard wanker band.

Principle of silence? A 100 man pro class peloton sounds like a swarm of angry wasps amplified by a boom truck.

Le Tour tomorrow, WOOT! I want to see the Schleck bros make em cry. Cool win by Leipheimer in the Swiss, but he doesn't stand a chance.

 

[bigmoose]

Thanks Jenny, the rules are a hoot, not to mention some of the linked pictures!

 

[Zoot Katz]

That reminds me of old usenet posts to rec.bicycles.misc and racing by "Fabrizio Mazzoleni".

 

[StudEbiker]

Fun stuff. Maybe we need to come up with the e-bikers equivalent.

 

[Philistine]

Fun stuff. Maybe we need to come up with the e-bikers equivalent.

Well I practice this one:

The correct number of bikes to own is n+1.
While the minimum number of bikes one should own is three, the correct number is n+1, where n is the number of bikes currently owned. This equation may also be re-written as s-1, where s is the number of bikes owned that would result in separation from your partner.

I currently have a tadpole trike, a greyborg, and a Yuba Mundo, all electrified, and then I have two bikes I am wrecking, and then a road bike. My brother was just over this afternoon, and he asked me why I need the road bike, I asked him to keep his voice down as I hate the issue of how many bikes I have being raised in front of the missus, then I explained I needed the road bike for the times (like today) when all three ebikes are off the road....

 

[dogman dan]

N +1 works for cars as well. Not to mention kayaks, windsurfers, skis, guns.

At the moment, I have in the ebikes, a beach cruiser, two commuters, a trike, a dirt bike and a longtail cargo bike. Pedalers I have one FS MTB, a hardtail, and a vintage roadbike. Then theres the frame and wheelset collection.

I like the new points rules in Le Tour! Make those sprinters work. 8)

 

[bobc]

Superb,
Interesting too - e.g. "line the tyre logo up with the valve" - good idea.

 

[heathyoung]

Superb,
Interesting too - e.g. "line the tyre logo up with the valve" - good idea.

I thought everyone did this...