Jokes - "You might be a REDNECK if...."

MitchJi

10 MW
Joined
Jun 2, 2008
Messages
3,246
Location
Marin County California
Hi,

  • ....your idea of gourmet dining is eating at the snack-bar at K-Mart, while the auto-dept. is raising your truck another 8 inches.

    ....your idea of bodywork consists of using either duct-tape, twine, or a bungee-cord.

    ....you have a house that's mobile, and seven trucks that aren't.

    ....you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

    ....you believe dual air bags refer to your wife and mother-in-law.

    ....you consider your license plate personalized because your dad made it in prison.

    ....you have a rag for a gas cap.

    ....the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.

    ....the gas pedal on your truck is shaped like a bare foot.

    ....you think the French Riviera is a foreign car.

    ....you wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

    ....you've ever done your Christmas shopping at a truck stop.

    ....you've painted a truck with house paint.

    ....you can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.

    ....your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.

    ....your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."

    ....you refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."

    ....you mark the Auto Trader with a highlite pen.

    ....the taillight covers of your truck are made of red tape.

    ....your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

    ....on your first date, you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.

    ....your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.

    ....you've been to a funeral and there were more pickups than cars.

    ....you just bought an 8-track player to put in your truck.

    ....taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.

    ....your pickup has a two-tone paint job---primer red and primer gray.

    -- And Finally --

    ....that billboard that says "SAY NO TO CRACK" reminds you to pull up your jeans!
 
MitchJi said:
....you think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are "Gentlemen, start your engines."

^^ that one made me snort... Very funny indeed well done..

KiM
 
Redneck Lingo

Sebum........seven
Lebum.........eleven

ubum.....of them ie how many do you have? I got sebum ubum!

O'ver......over there Where are they? O'ver!

These usually work out better when heard spoken.

Sum em......some of them

borree....borrow
 
no joking mood in me at this time. two evenings ago, as I took out the rubbish, he rolled to a stop at our front gate...



WHY WE LIVE:
I met a man today, lost, needing directions, in front of our home, his
old, white Chevy van, all windows open; AC doubtless defunct. The van smelled of old man, being
packed to the roof inside, nearly, with junk furniture and keepsakes all precious of a heroic life
apparently looking for a fitting end.

"Can you tell me how to get to The Keys from here?"

I told him the simple way: just get back to US1 and head for the setting sun.

Hand controls told that his legs are near-useless.

He is, doubtless, sleeping in that van, as I write these words of reality.

"How far have you come today?"

"Oh, I don't know...I've just been driving."

Perfectly clear, young looking visage, bare chested, leather for a neck; ah, but the
flabbing torso, yet, the face, the eyes, so much of youth, unmarked!
A 1926 model...a veteran, survivor of the Second War... a former trainer of men,
that's how he survived that sojourn, so near to Death.

"Where did you start from, when?"

"Montana. Three days ago. I've just been driving.
I want to see The Keys again.
He has them now. He is eighty four years old.

----

I make up nothing.
"They" come to me and they speak...always of life, never of quitting.


Now safe forever from intentional or accidental "prunings"
http://endlessfreedom.freeforums.org/i-met-a-man-t113.html



________________________________________________
DESTROY GENERAL NOW: IT's the ES Plan 9 from Outer Space, apparently!
[youtube]GqXYrtOKHUs[/youtube]
If you can't see it, don't bitch to me about it, Fight Club fakes

Tho. Paine, Patriot
 
When that stuff came out, I could answer yes to most of em.

We've come up some in the world, the walls of our house touch the ground, and at least for the moment, all 4 cars run, though one is not registered. Non running trucks don't accumulate since I cut em in half to make trailers.
 
Once my neighbor stole his christmas tree from the boy scouts. He would actually give rednecks a bad name.
 
You know your a redneck when the entertainment center (ie: tv stand for those true rednecks) for your brand new 52" plasma TV is your old 34" sony tube.

-Mike
 
Just woke up. Amstell (beer, get it) i

n a mood .....to dis-remember anything that is not fiction.
Remember this is an ebike only for'm 'cordon to some and you should
not talk about anything but dead car batteries in this thread.

OK. Dead speakin assaults and batteries:

I come from half a family of rednecks;
that is the th'other side wuz in jails an' out 'uh th' sun.

fresh made, that.


This is is true. You might be a redneck if...you were my mother's mother's brother
and you was called "Bubba" and you was a re-tired optomertrist who lived alone in his dead mother's
shack of a house outside of what used to be Powersville and you had a woman once, but only once...or
she had you...no joke...
.my eyes suck so bad today it's like looking a the world through cherry Nehi bottles..

Bubba..
..Southern Bio-Auto-Graphic Movin' On No Picture Show:
 
It's not a joke or a poem; it's a retchin' story of facts
and it's too close to truth to be of the north.

------------------------------

Southern Gothic Bio-graph

by r.w. 28 Jan 06
http://www.poetrycritical.net/read/25809/
final (?) draft:



He lived for four decades with only old newsprint

stacked high alongside cheesecake glory

girls he never dumped, except for the one:

the girl he dumped along with himself.



He faked contentment in clapboard

on blocks at Powersville, Georgia;

a water stop, whistle stop, trains all long gone.



Inside his parlor amidst such detritus

stood an upright Graphonola which he wound-

up for me when I was eleven,

when our family ventured

a first and a last

visit to meet our grand-

Uncle Bubba:


thin, flame-haired, squirrelly, loquacious;

an old spruce in gum shoes, delighted to

vault over mountains to show off his place

to our family; family he'd denied

from himself, ever since sometime

around 1928:


DAMN, bitch! You said you was barren!

That ain't no seed of mine...you harlot

from HELL...I ain't PAYIN' one dime for your brat.


I learned of that speech well

after his death; after he ran-down, out,

imprinting himself on pulp picks of perfection

of real unreal women, with only his mother's dark talking-

machine for companionship.


Death paid the repairs

for Bubba's spurned son: the '31 Chrysler

hidden, new in the barn, and the shack, and

Bubba's land and his bonds and stashed cash;

all of that was claimed by his boy, except for

a sort of a coffin, that, that Kiley son surrendered;

then sent to me,

a boy of fourteen, in Miami.


Uncle Bubba's Graphonola scratches, still, today,

from the past, for it contains Uncle Bubba

as he was of a day of July of nineteen hundred and sixty five:

"Boy, it works like this.

The horn is hid behind them flap doors.

Back when your momma was a tiny thing,

she points to the horn, and she says, so sweet

and so damn cute,

'Oh! Is there a little person living inside?' "

graphonola5mq.jpg

1918 Columbia Graphonola
 
..you have ever given or received an Elvis shaped Jello mold as a gift.

--your family tree does not fork..

..people mistakenly stop at your house thinking you are having a yard sale..

..your minister uses Quaker State when he anoints you with oil.

..your honeymoon plans included anything to do with a deer camp.

..your front porch collapses and more than three dogs are killed.

..you spent the weekend helping your richest relative remove the wheels from his new home.

..your mother doesn't remove the Lucky Strike from between her lips before telling the State Trooper to kiss her a**.

..the predominant color of your car is Bondo.

..you avoid the healing ministry at the tent revival because you don't want to risk losing your disability check..

..you could tell the bride at the wedding you went to last weekend because she was the one with the braided armpits.

Ray Stevens sings the ultimate redneck song: "I'm My Own Grandpa"..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eYlJH81dSiw

Candye Kane sings "White Trash Girl", she has a great voice and a rockin' backup band.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGOoASZg6kw
 

Attachments

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I do always have at least 1 non-running car up on blocks at all times... but it's only because I'm regularly swapping in various race engines and blowing them up. lol

In college, I had a girl move-in with me, and this was the first time I owned furniture that didn't inflate. I never felt right having chairs and a table, even though it was a folding table, and I've never owned either item since she left. I do all my work either on the floor, bed, sidewalk, or on a cardboard box turned on it's side. I told that girl my last place was an unheated storage unit with a big metal roll-up door (with no inside lock), no insulation, no running water, an extention cord for power running from the single lightbulb socket in the ceiling, and you had to climb a fence to get in an out if it was after 8pm, and you had better not get caught by the manager, cause they had a no-living in the storage units policy. lol I've never taken a government penny, and still being able to hold my head up with pride makes all the hard times worth it. I owe nothing to anyone (except to be the best father I can to my son).

Now my financial situation has done a 180deg turn since the rough times in college. I feel no money related burden or worry any longer, but it didn't change my lifestyle too much. :)

I had company over at my place, a good lady friend and both her parents. They said they would bring dinner, and we were going to watch a movie on my totally badass 12ft full 1920x1080 HD projection theatre setup (that I turn-on like 2 times a year, lol). I even inflated my spare inflatable couch just for the occasion. They brought the food in serving dishes, and asked if I could get out plates. I thought, hmm... I wonder if I have any plates??? Searched the house, NOTHING! Not even a paper plate! :oops: We ate dinner out of red party cups, and with the indivdually wrapped plastic fork/knife sets they give you at Wendy's when you order the baked potato (which I normally just wolf down with my hands while driving). I had a stack of tupperware containers, but they were used for coral shipping, and I told them they could have at them, but I couldn't guarentee them to be free of neuro-toxins from the corals they had held.

Overall, I thought the food was fantastic, and it went pretty well. It's as close to a formal event as I've ever hosted.

The only 2 ways I will ever agree to get married, are on a tropical beach somewhere, or at a racetrack, and if it's at the racetrack, I'm gona be racing that day. :mrgreen:

Could those things make me a redneck?
 
No your not a redneck Luke your literate for a starters, you chose to live like you do i get the feeling 'Rednecks'
do so because its all they can afford on wealthfare and sales of moonshine LoL...

I refused to get married in a church (im not religious) we got married in Kings Park over looking the city beautiful spot.I do live in a garage now though Luke no roller door though replaced it with gyp-rock
and a house door,my workshop is in another garage directly in front of the one i live in though LoL All my furniture and floor coverings were found on kerbside i do have some costly tvs and pc setups at least LoL

KiM

p.s at least buy some cutlery Luke you feral hehehe :p
 
King's park looks fantstic KiM :) Good choice :)

A few weeks ago at the track, a local racer proposed to his GF over the event loud speaker from the tower. The lady had been his GF for like 10 years, and had been with him at every race for the last 10 years, and you've never seen a more happy looking lady in your life. :) It was so honest and simple and real, I actually felt my eyes start to water up like a chick for a second. I don't think I will forget it, and I know that lady and her soon to be husband certianly never will. :) A friend of mine did eliminate him in the 2nd round later that day though :p :) You don't get to propose AND win on the same day. lol
 
I grabbed the microphone off the DJ at the local pub during Beach Party in summer and proposed to the the girlfriend, ssurprised she understood me i was that smashed LoL Yes i know im a romantic :p

KiM
 
Kim,

Id be surprised if she understood you even if you were sober... most of the Aussies I've met (very nice people btw) I have had a more difficult time of understanding than Raj from Pakistan.

Okay... I'm taking it a bit over the top. But all jokes aside, nearly half of the people I have met from AU... man I can't understand but every third or fifth word out of their mouths.

-Mike

PS: Kim - do all Aussies sound like this?
PPS: Guess I'm the redneck now, since I had to ask
 
hahaha Same could be said for some of the Americans from the deep south i think LoL...you tell me if you can understand what i say the video i made few days back...I think some Aussies
speak fast i dont find it hard to understand them though, as we have no accents, unlike like Americans :p :p :p

KiM
 
weeelll yeeeaahhh,

The down south can be difficult (thick) accents, northern areas like Boooostonn also have very specific and thick accents but I've only met one southerner I couldnt' understand him without reading his lips... like bodenhammer from King of the Hill.


BTW: Yea the thing about the TVs is a joke but I made it up for my grandfather (my moms dad) who is now passed but he was one serious RED NECK! Lived in NJ most of his life (when he wasnt at war) and at 75 years old while changing the fuel filter under his RV he spilled gas over 50% of his body and set himself on fire.

Nope... that didn't kill him, in fact he didn't go to the hospital he just scraped the skin off and went back out to clean up the yard. In the end (this is funny but not a joke) he died taking a shit! He was a mean and miserable person and in the truest sense a real honky tonk, pickup driving, shotgun bearing RED NECK!

-Mike
 
I think you might be a redneck if your mother is your fathers sister. Otherwise those country folk "southerners" or what ever the prejudice is, are pretty cluey. Inbreeding makes for bad genetic lineage. I think isolation is drawing to an end in today’s world with the internet.

Incest is a game the whole family can play, its not the retards fault :twisted:

8) .
 
317537 said:
Incest is a game the whole family can play, its not the retards fault :twisted:

8) .

Popular in Tasmania too i hear (Tassie is lil Island Hanging of Australia...some try to claim its part of Australia, they are usually the Tasmanians...LOL :p ) ..as the saying goes "two heads are better than one" :-|
You can buy jumpers from Tourist Shops in Tassie with two neck holes in them...

KiM
 
317537 said:
I think you might be a redneck if your mother is your fathers sister. Otherwise those country folk "southerners" or what ever the prejudice is, are pretty cluey. Inbreeding makes for bad genetic lineage. I think isolation is drawing to an end in today’s world with the internet.

Incest is a game the whole family can play, its not the retards fault :twisted:

8) .

At the risk of being flamed...

In two words - "West Virgina"

The state of 12 million people and 14 last names = )_

-Mike
 
Carv'n Marv'n said:
...You have to tell your Cousin to keep his hands off your Sister....." Cause she's mine!"


OH hehehe thats right your from the "Apple Isle" aint you Marvin ...just jokes mate juuuust jokes LoL :p

KiM
 
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