End of the World. Beginning of a new one. The Life of Amberwolf.

[amberwolf]

Pardon my rambliness and complaining...I'm *trying* to be positive, but it is very hard when people don't understand / comprehend how hard even "talking about" any of this is for me, and don't understand / comprehend the depth of the problems in my head are right now. I am not sure that explaining will help (it hasn't so far, for most of the few people I have been able to interact with), but I will try, a little at a time (to keep it readable).

I hope you can decide upon some activity, like caring work, that agrees with your good nature, perhaps an agricultural setting ?
Or somewhere in the medical realm being with others who are helping people all day long.

Those are all things that would require physically going out to work, which I cannot do yet (and I do not know when I will be able to do so).

At least one of them would require moving to some other place (agricultural), and I CANNOT move away from my home here; I would be abandoning everything I have worked for and built up over 20 years to get the way I need it to be, and I would also be abandoning "all" of my previous dogs (it doesn't matter that they are all dead...they are "here" with me because this is where they lived with me and this is where my memories are (associations).

I also can't do it because I am not a normal person (the best description is somewhere along the autistic spectrum, or what my brother calls "non-neurotypical", but most people just call "wierd" or "messed up", etc.), and I MUST have my "safe place" to go to, and that is this home. If I can't be here, I might as well not exist.

Right now, I should be able to do online types of work, but there is no way I can go out of the house and engage with other people. (even doing it over the phone is difficult). There are probably a bunch of psychobabble terms for it, but right now, I just can't do it. I'm messed up, broken, and still working out how to fix myself, but I'm not there yet, and I don't know when I will be. I've never been "normal", but I'm far far far worse than ever in my entire life now, probably beyond what anyone that hasn't felt this way can imagine or understand, from what I have seen so far in what few interactions I have been able to manage so far.

 

[amberwolf]

I will try to reply to others when I can. (am out of "spoons" as my brother puts it, for the moment).

 

[marty]

Please don't be offended. You have mental illness. It can be fixed. Same as a malfunctioning electric bicycle. First you diagnose what is broke then you fix it. My mom is a Doctor, Psychologist. She would say go to Primary Doctor and get a referral to a mental health place.

I would start with health insurance. With my income. I am poorer then poor. Work for my self and according to my accountant I am having fun but loosing money. My wife has mental illness. Everything medical is free. Pills are sometimes $1. I don't go to the doctor or take any pills. Wife gets free taxis to doctors. She goes to fun mental classes and gets a free lunch. She also has a "peer". Girl who come over once a week and does anything she wants. Will not anything. I asked the Peer to help me replace the roof. she said no. They usually go shopping for clothing or food. We don't need more clothing! Going to place a order at wholesale produce place and have wife and Peer go pick it up. Thinking 50 pounds of small red potatoes, 2 red peppers, 2 green peppers, 2 yellow peppers, 6 white onions. Anyone want some small red potatoes?

Health Insurance comes from the internet. Fire up your computer and make it happen. Look here:
Health Insurance in the USA

Also eat healthy food, exercise, drink water, eat small red potatoes. Water is really important.

 

[marty]

Something like this?
Roasted Potatoes with Peppers and Onions

 

[The fingers]

Our hearts go out to you AW. We’re dealing with our daughter who has been suffering with Dissociative Identity Disorder and things are not rosy all the time, that’s for sure. Digging deep into the Word helps us. Always you are in our prayers and I will never forget your kindness to us. Oliver also sends his love, he’s a six pound wannabe pack leader who we have to play games with to get him to eat.

 

[ZeroEm]

AW I get the physical aspect. My mother asked me today if I was taking a break. Told her i'm will be on break the rest of my life.
Some people don't get when you can't physically do it anymore, you just can't do it anymore. If I could sit for 8hrs a day I would be working.
I'm still thinking on some angle to make money. If I figure it out will let you know.

 

[markz]

There is the easy way to make money and the hard way to make money.
Work smarter not harder.
Passive income is good to have, but you got to have money to make money in most cases, not all.
I used to watch Dragons Den and Shark Tank often, always trying to come up with the next best idea, when its the simplest ideas to solve the simplest problems are what rakes in the cash.

AW I get the physical aspect. My mother asked me today if I was taking a break. Told her i'm will be on break the rest of my life.
Some people don't get when you can't physically do it anymore, you just can't do it anymore. If I could sit for 8hrs a day I would be working.
I'm still thinking on some angle to make money. If I figure it out will let you know.

 

[Chalo]

Digging deep into the Word helps us.

Deuteronomy 25:11-1: If two men are fighting and the wife of one of them comes to rescue her husband from his assailant, and she reaches out and seizes him by his private parts, you shall cut off her hand. Show her no pity.

1 Peter 2:18: Slaves, be subject to your masters with all reverence, not only to those who are good and equitable but also to those who are perverse.

Exodus 21: 7-8: When a man sells his daughter as a slave, she will not be freed at the end of six years as the men are. If she does not please the man who bought her, he may allow her to be bought back again.

II Kings 6:28-29: And the king said unto her, What aileth thee? And she answered, This woman said unto me, Give thy son, that we may eat him to day, and we will eat my son to morrow. So we boiled my son, and did eat him: and I said unto her on the next day, Give thy son, that we may eat him: and she hath hid her son.

Genesis 19:34-36: And the next day the elder said to the younger: Behold I lay last night with my father, let us make him drink wine also to night, and thou shalt lie with him, that we may save seed of our father. They made their father drink wine that night also, and the younger daughter went in, and lay with him: and neither then did he perceive when she lay down, nor when she rose up. So the two daughters of Lot were with child by their father.

II Chronicles 21:14-15: Behold with a great plague will the LORD smite thy people and thy children, and thy wives, and all thy goods: And thou shalt have great sickness by disease of thy bowels, until thy bowels fall out by reason of the sickness day by day.

I guess I've been helped. I guess?

Yeah, no. I went to church with those folks. They suck.

 

[ZeroEm]

Don't remember them passages. Need to do a reread. Remember my confusion when was young, somehow I understand why.

 

[amberwolf]

Please keep all politics and religion out of this thread. Makes for too many arguments.

Life is hard enough for me without people arguing with each other "in front of me". I can't handle it.


I had some thoughts to post but I'll have to go for now and maybe I'll remember them by the time I can come back.

 

[neptronix]

Please keep all politics and religion out of this thread. Makes for too many arguments.

Life is hard enough for me without people arguing with each other "in front of me". I can't handle it.

I had some thoughts to post but I'll have to go for now and maybe I'll remember them by the time I can come back.

Amen!
I mean... yeah i agree with you.

 

[nicobie]

I understand what Chalo was talking about, in fact I agree with him. But any more comments about religion I catch I will be deleting.

 

[amberwolf]

The last few weeks have been really hard. have had to get rid of almost all my large-project stuff, which includes almost all of my bike stuff, shelving, metal and wood, etc. Have alos had to cut down a bunch of lantana and take down a privacy fence that was there to keep the dogs inclding jelly bean that i still have safe from the idiots and assholes that walk or run or ride up and down the back alleyway and tease and mess with dogs in everyone's yards, by keeping the dogs away from that back fence by more than 10 feet. apparently i cann only have identical fences to the outer chainlink fence anywhere on the property, so i can't have any privacy fences at all which is frocking stupid and retarded.

Still being on unpaid leave i can't afford thousands of dollars to buy all new fencing for the entire property that would give me the privacy needed, and i cant' even afford enough chainlink fence and a gate to just make a new barrier 10-12 feet from the actual back fence. i don't know what it would cost but i'm sure it's at least hundreds of dollars, inclidng the concrete and stuff i'd need to put the posts into teh ground with and whatever it costs for something ot mix that with (dunno what).




The below is copied from another thread i was posting in just now, so it has stuff already in this thread but says some of the stuff and was easier than retyping it.

Well, so... as long as you can't see it from beyond the bounds of the property line it doesn't matter. My problem is I have a chainlink fence and a corner lot so you can see everything. And I used to have several st bernards so I grew a lot of trees and lantana for shade and to block their view of all the stuff that goes on in the area, to minimize their need to bark at everyhting and to keep neighborhood kids (and other idiots) from teasing them thru the fence. I only have one sb now (jelly bean) because the others all unexpectedly died (which is why i'm still stuck at home on unpaid medical leave the last half year, because it broke me and i'm not really better yet). because I've been so messed up over kirin and yogi dying back in may and june, i haven't been able to do most normal things, and didn't keeep the yard up, and becasue i have no income i didn't water the yard so the grass mostly browned and lantana raggedy. A couple houses in the area went up for sale so the realtors did what they always do and call the city on any imperfect houses/yards in the area, which included mine.

so...here i am.



i kept the pieces of crazybike2 and new stuff for it to someday make the cloudwalker cargo bike from, and my brother's trike even though he has never used it and never will, and my sb cruiser trike and the small and large trailers for it, and some steel tubing and pipe for repairs and such i might need to make to these, etc., and a few spare wheels in case those break, and a couple of regular bikes that are complete enough to sell for a few bucks or use for emergencies, but the rest of the frames, wheels, spare bike parts, tires, assorterd hardware bits, etc., are all gone now, left out for scrappers to take since i didn't have time to try to sell them and nobody here responded to the thread for them. I would've saved some of the small stuff but i didn't have time to go thru anything to sort it out so i had to just dump it. All this has been very depressing, and has pushed me backwards in trying to recover from everything.





i still have a bunch of lantana/grass cleanup to complete, but teh city inspector said that everything else is compliant now. i have until the 29th to finish the lantana/grass, but the hedgetrimmer died and the grass is inside the lantana so i have ot use a single-hand pruning saw and a small single-hand pruning shears to cut a branch at a time to clear enough of the base of each lantana along the street border to then be able to reach and pull the grass out by hand, mostly one or two strands at a time. then i can get the stringtrimmer in there to cut the leftovers out.

all this has generated a gigantic pile of branches and other yard waste that basically fills my section of the alleyway along the back fence, and i have nowhere to put it and no way to get rid of it except to slowly put it into the big alley trashcan over time. at the rate i can fit it in there, that should only take a year or two and not allow anyone else including me to put any other trash in there. bulk trash might take some of it but they only take 1 suv sized section, four times a year. i still have to cut all that stuff up into smaller pieces too, and the only thing i have to do that with is either a crappy electric chainsaw or the hand pruning shears / saw. but all that has to wait till i pass the city inspection on the 29th.

i know there are places that bring out bulk trash containers i could fill up but those are hundreds of dollars, and i cant' afford that either.


i found amazon has the same hedgetrimmer i burned out that i still have a nearly new battery for but it's $70. it had been only $50 a couple days ago but the sale must've ended while i was trying to decide.
https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00AZW9ZIG/ref=ox_sc_saved_title_1?smid=A18F233SN21KKY&psc=1

and a plugin corded one for cheaper but then i have to deal with the cord and try not to cut it whcih i've done twice when i had a corded one before.
https://www.amazon.com/BLACK-DECKER-BEHT150-Hedge-Trimmer/dp/B00GLI10C2/ref=sr_1_1?keywords=BLACK%2BDECKER+40V+MAX+Cordless+Hedge+Trimmer%2C+24-Inch%2C+Tool+Only+%28LHT2436B%29&qid=1640005159&s=lawn-garden&sr=1-1


back when i was "normal" (for me) i could have dealt with everything that's going on but now it is all completely overwhelming and i just can't handle it. what I really need is people to be physically here with me that can be here to actually work with me and help me do things. But i know that all anyone can actually do is give me advice, but it is always just stuff that i can't follow up on or do anything about, even when it is actually relevant which it usually isn't because people don't listen or read very well and i have a hard time communicating now anyway, since i have to give my entire story to every single person so they will understand what's happening and why i need what i need and i know that's too much for anyone to actually listen to or read. if i don't tell it all then they can't understand. i don't need just advice or guidance i need actual real help.

i'm sorry for dumping all this like this but i just need to say it somewhere.

I know I sound whiny and childlike; I'm at the end of my rope and am unable to properly go it alone. I know what I need, personally, but am unable to go about doing it all.

 

[liveforphysics]

I bet your day got a little better my friend.
I remember how incredibly bravely you raced crazybike on the racetrack in Tucson AZ. When my own race bikes motor burned up in earlier heats, you gave me your crazybike to ride because you had crashed and broken your foot. I had seen it was fast accelerating on the track, so I accepted the kind offer to use your crazybike. It was a strange mix of very hard acceleration combined with continuously moving many inches of flexing in all directions and exciting braking behavior, I could only handle a single spooky lap of it before pitting in with my nerves shot. Brave rider!

 

[nicobie]

I remember that like it was yesterday.

Hoping things get better for you next year.

Merry X-mas Michael.

Nick

 

[99t4]

Phoenix has a Tool Library. Borrow their sawzall and get some 8" pruning blades (I have got them from both HD and HF). Can easily, quickly, and safely cut up branches several inches thick. That would help make things more manageable, cheaply and efficiently.

 

[amberwolf]

I bet your day got a little better my friend.

it did when i saw your email. thank you very much!

I remember how incredibly bravely you raced crazybike on the racetrack in Tucson AZ. When my own race bikes motor burned up in earlier heats, you gave me your crazybike to ride because you had crashed and broken your foot. I had seen it was fast accelerating on the track, so I accepted the kind offer to use your crazybike. It was a strange mix of very hard acceleration combined with continuously moving many inches of flexing in all directions and exciting braking behavior, I could only handle a single spooky lap of it before pitting in with my nerves shot. Brave rider!

Brave, or stupid, dunno which. Determined, mostly. You'd've liked the later rebuild of it after the housefire when i stiffened it all up and set it up as dual hubmotors. Much better ride, much stiffer, and <4 seconds 0-20mph. dunno top speed, at least 35 but pushing to get there.

I still have (I think i didn't throw any of them out) all the pieces I intend to eventually rebuild crazybike2 into the cloudwalker cargo bike here:
https://endless-sphere.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=6&t=111081
i'd bought some stuff to do that with from members here on the forum early in 2021 / late in 2020, and was starting work on it in April, but then Kirin got sick in late April and died in early May, and that was the end of my world and everythign stopped happ3ening. Then Yogi died in late June as I was just beginning to feel again (was nowhere near "better" though) and completely destroyed what was left of my world (not just because he died, but because I had to choose *right then* to have them kill him and I was not in any state to make that kind of decision, and i don't even know if it was the right one but it's too late now).

 

[amberwolf]

Phoenix has a Tool Library. Borrow their sawzall and get some 8" pruning blades (I have got them from both HD and HF). Can easily, quickly, and safely cut up branches several inches thick. That would help make things more manageable, cheaply and efficiently.

thanks, but the one i could find only does it for agencies, not individuals

Only not-for-profit organizations are eligible for a ToolBank membership, such as:

Nonprofit/Charitable/Tax exempt organizations
Schools and PTAs/PTOs
Neighborhood associations
Faith-based groups
Civic organizations
Government agencies

the city government version also only lends to specific groups, not individuals.

 

[amberwolf]

I remember that like it was yesterday.

Hoping things get better for you next year.

Merry X-mas Michael.

Thanks. I'm sure sometime next year things will get better, but I don't know when that might be. I still appreciate the thought, and the present--it will help right now!

 

[nicobie]

..

 

[99t4]

Phoenix has a Tool Library. Borrow their sawzall and get some 8" pruning blades (I have got them from both HD and HF). Can easily, quickly, and safely cut up branches several inches thick. That would help make things more manageable, cheaply and efficiently.

thanks, but the one i could find only does it for agencies, not individuals

I may have mistyped. Phoenix has a website for a Tool Library.

https://phoenix.myturn.com/library/

Hopefully it's still functioning, in the brick and mortar sense.

 

[amberwolf]

thanks, i'll give them a call since their website doesn't appear to be completely functional. not sure it will help since their site says they're only open from 9a-11a on saturday, and i need to do the work before then, but maybe they'd be open tomorrow.

 

[amberwolf]

Posting to thank Cvin here on ES (who I've fixed some stuff for now and then) who is helping me with some of the cleanup, as she travels around and passes thru Phoenix, and has also loaned me some of her yardwork tools to help.


I'm done with the major stuff and am now just doing details and after the rain stops long enough I'll be able to rake up the little bits and leftovers and bag that all up too.


Thanks to y'alls donations I have been able to rent a dumpster from the city to get rid of the piles of branches and other stuff, though it won't be here till January.

I still hate having had to destroy most of what I spent years and a lot of money (for water) to grow...it'll grow back over time, but I'm not sure I can keep it up anymore (between money and physical ability) so I may just keep it cut way way back or maybe even chop it down completely, for all the border lantana. The memories of what it was like, especially those I have with the dogs that are also gone, compared to now, is very depressing.

But what's done is done, and past is past and future is future.

 

[calab]

?You were told by the city to take down the obstructions or were you told by the owner of the home
it can be a struggle but if you do a little bit at a time when you can it gets easier and easier after 14 months i just chip away at whats left of one room and 25 big tote boxes and garage storage is halfway done that just needs a uhaul trailer load to the dump. i have one governmental issue of hoops to jump through but stay calm and chive on. working from home computer would be an ideal job, zoom call all they see is your shoulders and face, a phone call or two and whatever your cv says. what about temporary employment agencies for data entry?

 

[amberwolf]

?You were told by the city to take down the obstructions or were you told by the owner of the home

city
https://endless-sphere.com/forums/posting.php?mode=quote&f=1&p=1692727#pr1691791

it can be a struggle but if you do a little bit at a time when you can it gets easier and easier after 14 months i just chip away at whats left of one room and 25 big tote boxes and garage storage is halfway done that just needs a uhaul trailer load to the dump.

can't do that. have to be done by wed. already got a 2week extension that's almost over. unlikely to get another. as soon as i finish breakfast i have to go out and start again today but at least today cvin is coming to help later.

was actually doing the slow cleanup before the notice, and was sorting things to sell stuff off or take to recyclers but most of that had to be tossed out to get this done fast enough so that potential income lost. is all my fault anyway because i was too messed up to keep doing yard maintenance like i was supposed to the last 3/4 year.

can't take things to dump, would take me more than an entire day (because I'd have to stop somewhere i can sleep/rest and recharge the trike for 3-4 hours at least twice on the way there, then again on the way back, every single trip) to take one tiny load there and back on the biggest bike trailer with the trike, and there would be probably 50-70 loads of stuff.

thankfully thanks to y'alls donations i was able to rent a city dumpster but it wont' be delivered until next week, and then i have 10 days to load it up before they pick it up, but i figure i need to do it as fast as possible before other people dump their own stuff into it because people are assholes like that. if they do then they take up room i need for this stuff, and then i have to take their stuff out and dump it in the street to fit mine.