Diary of a Englishman in Western Australia

AussieJester

AussieJester

1 TW
Joined
Mar 11, 2008
Messages
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Location
Perth Western Australia
I was emailed this today by a 'Seth Efrikan' friend of mine (now living and loving West OZ) Its
an oldie but a goodie i thought i would share here.... Lil background, we get alot of Englishman (poms) come
to Australia and they are renound for winging, they complain about everything
but nothing more than the heat and the flies, so with that in mind i present to you all
the Diary of a Pommie in Western Australia...-->

DIARY OF A POMMIE IN WESTERN AUSTRALIA

August 31 - Just got transferred with work from Leeds UK to our new
home in Karratha , Western Australia . Now this is a town that knows
how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched
the sunset from a deckchair by the pool yesterday. It was beautiful.
I've finally found my new home. I love it here.

September 13 - Really heating up now. It got to 31 today. No problem
though. Living in air-conditioned home, driving air-conditioned car.
What a pleasure to see the sun every day like this. I'm turning into a
sun-worshipper.

September 30th - Had the back yard landscaped with tropical plants
today. Lots of palms and rocks. No more mowing lawns for me. Another
scorcher today, but I love it here.

October 10th - The temperature hasn't been below 35 all week. How do
people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's windy though.
Keeps the flies off a bit. Acclimatizing is taking longer than I
expected.

October 15th - Fell asleep by the pool yesterday. Got third degree
burns over 60% of my body. Missed three days of work. What a dumb thing
to do! Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

October 20th - Didn't notice Kitty (our cat) sneaking into the car
before I left for work this morning. By the time I got back to the car
after work, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag
and stuck to the upholstery. The car now smells like Whiskettes and cat
shit. I've earned my lesson though: no more pets in this heat.

October 25 - This wind is a bastard. It feels like a giant fuckin' blow
dryer. And it's hot as hell! The home air conditioner is on the blink
and the repair man charged $200 just to drive over and tell me he needs
to order parts from fuckin' Perth ....

October 30th - The temperature's up around 40 and the parts still
haven't arrived for the fuckin' aircon. Been sleeping outside by the
pool for three nights now. Bloody $600,000 house and we can't even go
inside. Why the hell did I ever come here?

November 4 - Finally got the ol' aircon fixed. It cost $1,500 and gets
the temperature down to around 25 degrees, but the humidity makes it
feel about 30. Stupid repairman.

November 8 - If one more smart arse says 'Hot enough for you today?'
I'm going to fuckin' throttle him. Fuckin' heat! By the time I get to
work, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking
fuckin' wet and I smell like baked cat!

November 9 Tried to run some errands after work, wore shorts, and sat
on the black leather upholstery in the ol' car. I thought my fuckin'
arse was on fire. I lost two layers of flesh, all the hair on the backs
of my legs and my fuckin' arse. Now the car smells like burnt hair,
fried arse and baked cat!

November 10 - Weather report! It might as well be a fuckin' recording.
Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny, Hot and fuckin' sunny! It's been too hot
to do anything for two fuckin' months and the weatherman says it might
really warm up next week.

November 15 - Doesn't it ever rain in this damn fuckin' place? Water
restrictions will be next, so my $5,000 worth of palms might just dry
up and blow into the fuckin' pool. The only things that thrive in this
hell-hole are the fuckin' flies. You don't dare open your mouth for
fear of swallowing half a dozen of the frockers!

November 20th - Welcome to HELL! It got to 45 fuckin' degrees today.
Now the air conditioner's gone in my car.. The repair man came to fix
it and said, 'Hot enough for you today?' I had to spend the $2,500
mortgage payment to bail me out of jail for assaulting the stupid
frocker. Fuckin' Karratha! What kind of sick, demented fuckin' idiot
would want to live here!

December 1 -
WHAT!!!!
The first day of Summer!!!!
You are fuckin' kidding!
 
8) Just like home. Which has 4 air conditioners on it and a generator big enough to power the smallest one if the electricity goes out. Rarely use the whole house one.
 
Hehe, sounds like Phoenix also. You have to live in the hotel while your A/C gets fixed.
 
One nice thing about saving energy by air conditioning only the room you are in, is if it breaks, the ones in the other rooms still work.
 
An Englishman, an Irishman, an Australian and a New Zealander were onboard a plane, getting ready to make their first parachute jump. The Englishman's exit was spectacular; he leapt out of the plane with the cry, " I am doing this for my country..."
The Irishman leapt out immediately afterwards, calling out the same words.
Then the New Zealander ripped the parachute off the Australian, pushed him out of the plane and cried, "I am doing this for my country......"


What's the difference between yoghurt and Australians ?
At least yoghurt starts with a little culture.
:p
 
True story.

An Englishman and his family arrived in Melbourne to start their new life.
They took a taxi from the airport to the city. On the way in they were looking out the window and were horrified in what they saw.

They asked the taxi driver to turn around and take them back to the airport.
They booked seats on the next available flight back to England.

They wrote a letter to our local newspaper and it made front page news.

This happened about 20 or 30 years ago and is my favorite whingeing pom story ever.

Greg
 
tailwind said:
True story.

They wrote a letter to our local newspaper and it made front page news.

Greg
Click to expand...

The front page of the Age? That says more about Melbourne than the poms. :roll:


Q: HOW do you describe a well-balanced Australian? A: One with a chip on both shoulders. :p
 
The Canadian Version :

December 8
6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9
We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snowplow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12
The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man, I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14
Snow lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life!

The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way.

December 15
20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer.

The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16
Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The wife laughed for one hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17
Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere.

Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20
Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Darn snowplow came by twice.

Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22
Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white crap fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to poop. By the time I got undressed, pooped and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the jerk is lying.

December 23
Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she nuts!!! Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's lying.

December 24
6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the man who drives that snowplow I'll drag him through the snow by his nose and beat him to death with my broken shovel. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been!

Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was too busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25
Merry -bleeping- Christmas! 20 more inches of the slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's a fricking idiot. If I have to watch "It's A Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to stuff her into the microwave.

December 26
Still snowed in. Why the heck did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27
Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze, plumber came after 14 hours of waiting for him, he only charged me $1400 to replace all my pipes.

December 28
Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. THE WITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29
10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30
Roof caved in. I beat up the snow plow driver he is now suing me for a million dollars not only the beating I gave him but also for trying to shove the broken snow shovel up where the sun don't shine. The wife went home to her mother. 9" predicted.

December 31
I set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8
Feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?
 
For the information of many Americans who are unfamiliar with some of these terms. Many of the people who were shipped against their will to Australia were British prisoners (perhaps "some" convicted under false premises to create more bodies for settleing the new land?) and many prisoners wore clothing with the letters POME, which I'm told stood for "Prisoner Of Mother England". So Aussies (pronounced "Ozzies') refer to Britishers as POMs or "Pommies".

Lately I have been driving a snowplow. If I don't plow a street, people are stuck in their driveway. If I DO plow a street, I have to shove the snow off to the right (which puts a "wind-row"/snow-berm across their driveway opening). I get an equal number of happy waves of gratitude and shaking fists of fury...

78561-main_Full.jpg
 
spinningmagnets said:
So Aussies (pronounced "Ozzies') refer to Britishers as POMs or "Pommies".
Click to expand...

Indeed we do...it is in no way a derogatory term either ill just add.. Anytime the Aussies and English butt heads on the Sproting arena in the cricket or rugby its always advertised as "Aussies taking on the Poms"

spinningmagnets do you have a jacket with "Mr Plow" on the back or ..."Plow King" maybe? (only those that watch the Simpsons will get that)


KiM

p.s hehee makes me giggle listening to Americans pronounce 'Aussie' too, it sound like they are say "Hozzies" with the accent... FYI: Australians dont have accents we speak proper Unglush :mrgreen: :mrgreen: :mrgreen:
 
spike said:
Hey KiM

I just got my Aussie citizenship through. Does that mean I'm not a pom anymore? :?

Spike
Click to expand...


That depends on who you barrack for when Australia plays England for the Ashes... :mrgreen:

Congrats on the citizen ship to mate now we cant deport you hahaha...

KiM
 
AussieJester said:
spike said:
Hey KiM

That depends on who you barrack for when Australia plays England for the Ashes... :mrgreen:

Congrats on the citizen ship to mate now we cant deport you hahaha...

KiM
Click to expand...
Click to expand...


Thanks KiM

Hey, I know I'll always be considered a pom. My work mate's a true blue and he still calls his dad a pom even though his dad has been here 50+ years and speaks with an aussie accent :lol:
 
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