End of the World. Beginning of a new one. The Life of Amberwolf.

[amberwolf]

Could be power supply, because:

I decided I wanted a delay effect on the DX7 piano sound, so i patched wires from the TG33's output to the ASR88's sampling input, and set it up to "sample with effects" which effectively lets me use it as an effects processor for external gear (done this a lot, too). But even if I turn the FX off and use pass-thru, it has a zippery sound. I've heard that once before in a digital delay/reverb I tried to build once based on a radioshack chip, many many years back, and I dind't have a +/-15VDC supply, just two 12V supplies that I wired back to back. It didn't just distort the signal, it actively caused zippery distortion that was very strange. I ultimately borrowed a supply that would do what was needed and it went away, but I lost time/track of project becuase I had an Alesis FX box by then, and never built my own supply for the other, so I never got to actualy use it in anything. I doubt I even still have the bits for it.

but anyway, it sounds similar enough I am guessing that's what is wrong. If not, it could be a data line problem somewhere, ro a groudning issue, (doubt that), liek if a data line is getting noise in it or crosstalk or something, in the analog board itself.

I verifeid via Syntaur's site that the PSU, main and analog boards, and I think the SCSI board, are the same between ASR88 and ASR10 and ASR10Rack, other than the ROMs and some heatsinks, all of which could easily be swapped from my existing ones. So I'm tempted to find and buy that ASR10 on CL you were talking about--but I'll troubleshoot what I have first, since it might be an easy fix.



In other related news, i built a sustain pedal for it, since mine was melted in the fire (I had been using it with the little MAudio keybaord you'd given me, so it was on top of it in the burned up bedroom). I took a "brake / gas" pedal from an old game cntroller I'd saved for just this purpose years ago, along with a generic (well, Compaq) PS2 mouse Bigmoose had sent with the computer, and built it into the sustain pedal.

Disconnected the 2-conductor cable from the pot on the pedals, and soldered it to the switch contacts on one of the buttons of the mouse board, removed from teh mouse casing and double-sided-taped down to the back/bottom of the pedal casing. Cut off the joystick connector on the other end of the cable and wired it to a 1/4" plug to go to the ASR88's input. Added a bit of foam tape to the area where the edge of the pedal comes over the switch, and voila, now it will click the switch without squishing it to deaht if i push a little too hard.

If I ever need the mouse for some wierd reason, I can put the board back int eh case and plug the cord back into it. Assumign I can still find thsoe parts by then or havent used them for something else. :lol:



I also installed the Soundblaster soundfont card in Bigmoose's desktop PC, and hooked up that joystick-to-MIDI adapter cable we moved from my hosue to Bill's when we picked up all the other stuff for the ASR88. Haven't installed teh software yet (gotta find and download the KXproject stuff for that, and not use the Crated Labs stuff at all), but at least the ahrdware is in there.

 

[mdd0127]

Ensoniq Mirage $100 http://phoenix.craigslist.org/nph/msg/3818823639.html

This is actually the thing that I described to you as an ASR...might have gotten the x and 10 screwed up in my head.
Ensoniq ASR-X $350 http://phoenix.craigslist.org/evl/msg/3838546182.html

Here's an ESQ-1 for $315, might have the same boards.
http://phoenix.craigslist.org/evl/msg/3781018784.html

Like that custom sustain pedal too!

 

[marty]

Happy you are having fun with dogs and music. Dog named Marty?

Sorry to change the subject.... Is all your stuff still sitting outside at your house? Will give you a few thoughts from a landlords point of view. Get rid of it. I am a landlord. I am also a scrap metal collector. A former neighbor of mine used to complain to the building department that Marty's metal pile was getting too high. [Marty thinks metal in the yard is like money in the bank, you can't have too much] I would get a letter from the building inspector telling me that no metal business allowed in residential neighborhood. I would then sell my "metal business" for $20 to a different neighbor.

According to my calculations, if you rent a U Haul truck to move the metal it will cost about $90 in rental fees and fuel to get $100 in metal. If all the metal is copper or gold you will receive much more money.

I have rented many U Haul trucks. $19.95 usually adds up to $50 to $75 plus fuel. Rental fees might be cheaper on week days? Trucks are usually old and in poor shape. Complain when you bring the truck back and you might get a discount. I once complained that a whistling noise from a non working radio caused me to have mental anguish.

Find a Sanford and Son scrap metal type of guy with a truck, place a add, or reply to a add on Craigslist. Get that yard cleaned up. If you haven't used something in 2 or 3 years, you probably don't need it. Throw it out.

 

[amberwolf]

I'd appreciate not getting any more "advice" about the stuff at my house.

It's not helpful.

I've already replied multiple times about such suggestions, perhaps you could be bothered to read the replies to them?

Sorry for being a jerk, but today has been pretty bad.

 

[amberwolf]

Ok, in an attempt to make myself less jerk-y, I have been looking at the St. Bernard pictures again.

This is *BUBBA* (not Buster, dunno how I screwed that up):



I couldnt' find any updated pics of Marty; just the ones from right after they got him in, where he still looks terrible from the abuse he went thru before they rescued him.


Callie is just adorable, and as full of energy as my Border Collie Bonnie once was:
View attachment 7
View attachment 6


Tiny...is different. I really like her, and wish I could take her home now (along with Callie and Bernadette and all the others):




Bernadette is just all sweetness, if a little "oohh...shiny" sometimes.





I guess that didn't really help. Now I'm depressed again...I wanna go back to see them again right now.




FWIW: I had to leave work early again today; I just suddenly got stressed and anxious and nervous and teary, for no explicable reason; no trigger I could identify. It hapepned once earlier today about an hour and a half after I got there but I was able to sit down in the breakroom for a while and rock myself back into shape, holding Phideaux tight the whole time.

The second time, about an hour and a half after that, was worse, and at some point I squeezed Phideaux so hard I popped the battery cover off teh celphone (which is stuffed inside her zippered electronics pouch so I don't break it carrying it around in a pocket, or lose it), though I didn't know that until I was on my way home, riding one handed with Phideaux squeezed close to my chest with the other, and I had to stop in the shade at a park most of the way home.

I'd decided I needed company and I thought to call Bill to see if he had gone to lunch yet...and the phone was popped apart. Put it back together and it was ok, but I guess I squeezed pretty hard. At least I didn't break anything. (Bill had already gone and was home so I just went back to his place and upstairs to my room, and rocked some more, then tried to browse ES/email/etc., but have had mixed results with that; I'm not in the right state to be responding to people I guess--that's part of why I had to go home from work cuz I was afraid of what I might do or say).

Anyway, I sat there in teh breakroom before leaving work, for a really long time trying to rock myself back into shape to go back to work, but it didn't help. Got better, worse, worse again, etc. Tried to go back out but panicked and cried and had to sit down again. I don't understand exactly what's happening, but people keep saying "it's normal". I don't want this to be normal...it's terrible. I'm sure someone has drugs they would prescribe me to make it feel better, but that's not the kind of help I need, and I am not exactly sure if people really have the help I need.

The only times I have not felt this way *at all* even a little were when I have been at shelters or adoption events with the dogs, or the SB rescue with the dogs, or with Jeebus and Wilbur when Mdd0127 was here, etc. I think I REALLY need dog-snuggle-therapy.

I am still waiting to hear back still from PawItForward rescue about meeting Tiki.



I also contacted AZPyrs this morning before work, about Snowbird

but I expect she should find a good home even without me, perhaps on a local farm or ranch.


And most importantly I offered what little help I'd be to AZ Saint Bernard Rescue with walking the dogs and suchlike up there where I met Bernadette and Callie and Tiny and Marty and Bubba. It would give them more attention and all of us the chance to get to know each other better.

 

[The Stig]

Hope you can fit another visit to them, into your schedule, soon!

 

[amberwolf]

Some of this I've said here and elsewhere already, but it's kind of a summary of how I'm doing right now.

My emotional/mental state is changing; I'm not sure exactly what the cause is but there are probably multiple contributors.

More than a week ago, I started back to my regular work at the pet supplies store I usually work at (my "home" store), since the remodels of the other stores on this side of the valley are complete, and the others are all so far away it doesn't make sense to have me work at them (and I would have to catch a ride with someone else from this side of the valley to reach them in any reasonable time, or else end up travelling for at least 4 hours or more each day just to get there and back).

The first day didn't seem so bad, but it didnt' go as smoothly as I'd hoped. I talked about it somewhere already but basically i was "facing" (straightening up product on the shelves to make it look nice) and ran across the sticker/sign section with a "fireman: save my pets" sticker like the one I used to have on my front window before the fire, and that triggered a flood of memories, mostly bad, that sent me spinning emotionally for a while that day. Later in the night just before closing, I ran across a mouse that was probably killed by his tank-mates; just laying there in the bedding as I was checking food,water, etc. on all the fuzzy animals. That one REALLY screwed me up, and I coudln't even do anythign about it and had to ask a manager to take care of it for me; I was panicky and wanted to run away, barely managing to control myself.

That night I had some of the worst nightmares since the first week or two after the fire. The next morning I had to be there really early to help stock, and I was virtually sleepless and extremely stressed out. Almost everythign I saw triggered more memories, which themselves triggered more, and i kept spiraling into worse states. I sat down in teh breakroom to try to focus and meditate it away, a few times, it didn't really help much and I had to leave before i'd even been there three hours.

Once away from work things were a little better, but it took all day to recover enough from it to almost feel "normal" (normal for how I am now, anyway) again.


I dont' really remember the next few days very well at all, pretty much a blur. I think I wound up leaving early on another day or two as well, but I'm nto really sure. I also remember sitting in the breakroom rocking myself back into shape for a while, several times, but I don't remember when that was, exactly.


I also rtemember asking my main store manager to give me much shorter shifts at least for now until I can handle working full ones, because otherwise I'm going to end up just having to leave in the middle of them too often and that's going to cause problems for everyone else, because they can't coutn on me being there and that means there's no point to having me there at all. At some point I'd be past the poitn that the company as a whole would be able to deal with my problems, no matter how the people I work with feel about it, and I'm sure they'd have to let me go due to the rules for absences and leaving early and being late and such.

So to avoid all that i asked for the shorter shifts, half a shift or so at most. She seemed to agree to do it, but just at the moment I am still scheduled for normla shifts for the next couple of weeks, and i know I can't do that. I am hoping it's jsut that she hasn't had time to fix it.


Anyway, I *think* that week's Saturday was the day I went to see the St Bernards at teh rescue; and that was such an incredibly happy day, the only one I've really had since the fire. (I mean, there have been ok days, and goodish days, but no really happy ones. That day, though, was very happy, and I stayd that way even after I left there for quite a while; it was only a couple of hours I guess actually with the dogs, one at a time, but it helped me so much I still have a hard time believing I felt that happy.) I had flashbacks and other bad-memory-moments throughout the day like usual, but they didnt' affect me as badly as they had the days before that.

That night, I had the only good dream I can remember since the fire, of all of those St Bernards plus pretty much every dog I have had in a long time all playing together happily in the yard at my house. I remember that dream as if it actually had happened--it is more real to me and sharper than almost any actual day or event since the day of the fire itself, which has many vividly sharp moments and many vague ones.


The next day, which i think was this past Sunday, I ended up having to leave work early again, less than half a shift before I started, and having spent a lot of that time in the breakroom trying to pull myself together to go back out, managing to do it once (twice? cant' remember now) and failing to do so the last longest time, and having to just leave. I was so bad off I couldn't even let Phideaux go while riding, and held her/it to my chest tightly with my left arm while steering/brakign/throttling with the right, and stopping sometimes because I couldn't see thru tears.

That night was pretty bad, too, although id on't remember specifics now, I only finally really slept after ti got light outside.

Monday I knew I would not be able to do a whole day, so ic alled to find out if they'd liek me to try to work the first half or the last half of my shift (I didn't even know if I could make it thru that much, but I would be a lot more likely to make it thru ~3-4 hours than a whole 7.5-hour shift). The manager I spoke with said i should come in for the first half, but after i had already left Bill's and was on my way to work I got a message from the actual manager I'd be working with, and he needed me to be there for closing so said i could come in for the last half instead. I called him back and verified the time, and headed back home to Bill's.


Once there, I rearranged part of my loft room at Bill's for better convenience and and to make the sleeping area more "nesty" or "den-like", to see if that helped me sleep better by feeling more secure, closed-in. I'm not claustrophobic (at least, not when i'm trying to sleep), and tend to feel a lot more comfortable in really enclosed space for that. When i was much younger I had my bed in my closet so that I could be comfortable enough to sleep at all; I coudln't sleep out in the open unless I was so exhausted I jsut collapsed. I prefer beign on a bed that I'm sort of squished into, surrounded by heavy pillows/cushions/blankets (or big dogs, which are a lot better but I can't have those here at Bill's). Kind of as if I was in a big all-body hug all the time, if that makes any sense.


Later on I went to work, and faced almost the whole store, helping only about a couple dozen customers (most of them didn't want help, already knew what they were after and where, etc), and only two of thsoe in any real deep capacity. The rest were just showing them where something was located, then they wanted to be on their own. I made it thru the slightly-more-than-four-hours with only a few bad moments, and none of them quite bad enough to make me retreat to the breakroom, but one was pretty close. Eukanuba food is packaged for both Canadian and American sales, so it has French labelling as well. The canned food is mostly ground-up, rather than gravy type, and apparently the Canadian-French word for that is Hachis.

So you can guess what happens everytime I see a Eukanuba can. Actually because I know that word is on the cans, I get the same feeling everytime I see even the name on teh bags of dry food, or the treats, or that pink-and-black style of packaging.

What is really bad about this is that it is not a bad memory it triggers, at first--I have always thougth it funny that all those cans are already marked as if they belonged to Hachi, and that if she only knew how to read that she'd be happy to take them all home and put them away in secrret stashes, or open them up and eat them all, etc. So that's the first thing that comes to mind everytime I see Eukanuba's name or package style, etc.

But now, immediately after that, comes the memory of her laying there dead after teh fire, and of lowering her into her grave. And of all the images from the nightmares, of them running around burning alive (even though they didn't actually do that, its teh most common nightmare I have). Then I get all the feelings flooding in, mixed between happy thigns and dreadful things and I feel anxious, like panic is about to start.

Sometimes I can hold that all in, and calm myself enough to continue; sometimes I keep even the tears at bay and sometimes I can't. Sometimes I can't keep anything in and I am angry or hurt or scared or all three, and have to retreat.

Yesterday i managed to hold it in but didnt' quite keep all the tears in, though theyd dint' last longer than just enough to make me sound like i had a cold when i spoke with someone right afterward (I forget who or what about--that's another problem i have; I can't remember most of teh things that happen around me nearly as well as I can remmeber the thigns going on inside me, and even those are tough to keep straight).

Another bad moment was when someone was squeakign one of the Kyjen Invincibles toys. I knwo it was one of thsoe because they all have a different sound from the others, and that is the kind that Hachi loved to stuff all the squeakers in her mouth at once, and squeak them all at me like she was talking with them.

So you can guess what that did to me,t oo. Again, I managed to hold it in, but barely. If anyone had walked up to try to talk to me then I would have had to run away and cry, though.

Eventually the night was over and we were closed and I could go home, but again i had to hold Phideaux close the whole way home and had some trouble steering because of it, as there was also a little bit of light gusty wind. But even knwoing it could cause me to crash I still coudlnt' bring myself to put Phideaux in the frame and use both hands to steer with. I made it home ok, though i don't actually remember most of the ride, just like the previous day.


I think I just retreated up to my room after stariing the bike recharging, but I dont' remember much of that etiher. I do feel more secure now in the rearranged room, though it is still too open and I will try some other things later once i have more time and ideas and can pick some stuff up to fix that.


But it didnt' help me sleep any better yet, because i couldn't even get to sleep at all until probably two or three in the morning I'm guessing. Just tossing and turning and dozing momentarily and waking with a start. After that, i was so tired I actually did sleep some, but not very long at a time (few minutes to half an hour at a time, wakign for longer than that between them) and then as it got light outside I was able to finally actually stay asleep from exhaustion, which I did until almost 830am when i woke and could not go back to sleep at all.

Knowing that today is probably not even as good a day as yesterday so far, I called work to ask again which half of the shift tow ork, and it is going to be the last half, again, so we'll see how it works out.

I was not this bad off for a while, i think...does this kind of thing just get worse like this after being nto so bad? Was I just still in shock and disbelief until now, and now my mind is beginnign to believe it all and work thru it?

I don't know, but I don't liek the way I feel at all. I am trying very hard to process the feelings, thoughts, etc., and figure out what to do to change them.


So far the only thing that has had any serious effect on them for more than the moment I am doing whatever it is, was to visit those St Bernards. So I have asked to be a volunteer at that rescue to help out in the mornings if they cna use me. I have only heard back that they are discussing it, whcih i guess is good that they are,but it makes me even more anxious that maybe they won't want me to hlep and so I will be unable to see the dogs very often, and I think the more often I see them the better off I will be.

I REALLY wish I could take one home to be here at Bill's, but that wouldn't work out at all.


I also want to hug every dog I see, but I dont' even try or ask because most people would jsut think I was a wierdo and have no idea why I was tearing up, and I might even just breakdown and cry sometimes while doing it, and that woudln't help me at work at all. Plus a lot of dogs don't want anything to do with other people than their owners, cuz they haven't been socialized properly (if at all).

 

[The Stig]

I would say, if you see a well socialized dog, explain your situation to the owner, say you love dogs and give the fury guy a hug and see if he likes it! Theres nothing wrong with showing affection to dogs!

 

[krep]

Hello,

I was looking for something else and ran across this forum, but noticed one of your posts and saw your thread about the house fire.

I'm an electrical engineer in a suburb south of Houston. I also dabble personally and professionally in DIY electronics work (thus why I ran across the forum). Four years ago we had a house fire that started in our Master Bedroom while my wife and I were at work, which expanded to burn the roof & attic off the entire house, which collapsed into the 2nd story and a fair amount of the 1st story, and resulted in the destruction of the entire house and all the contents we really cared about, most of all our dog Max.

The fire was started by a sub-contractor team performing work with a blow-torch doing roofing work, to repair a structural issue which was under warranty on the house. My wife and I were at work. The firemen did their best and saved some possessions, pictures, china, kitchen stuff that was designed to be fireproof, etc, and looked hard for Max but couldn't find him until after the fire was out, which was many, many hours later and nothing could have survived in the house. With oxygen masks and protective gear even the firemen could only stay in the house for 15-20 minutes at a time.

Max was a border collie of 14+ years, which my wife and I adopted from the pound, while we were still dating in high school. He was with us through college, as we started our jobs, through 3 moves and all kinds of adventures. Despite his advanced age, Max was a robust dog. He ran 2 miles with my wife 3 times a week until the day he died, and was always mentally a step ahead of everyone.

Our dog always went to our master bedroom closet when he was scared, and we used to joke it was just another case of his advanced intelligence, because typically he would do this during a storm or even hurricane, and that was actually the best place to go. In a previous house, he would go to the center bedroom's bathroom and get in the bathtub. Unfortunately the fire started near the entrance to the bedroom, I'm sure Max immediately hid in the closet, and then when he might have realized it was not a good place to be it would have been too late due to flames and smoke.

Once the firemen had the fire thoroughly out and the house cooled off, by then all my friends and coworkers and neighbors and both my parents and my wife's parents were all there to help, even though some of them live 4 hours away. We made living arrangements, put the stuff in storage, boarded up the house, but Max's location was still a mystery. The firemen had looked but were never able to find him. Some people thought maybe he escaped and ran away, scared. But my wife and I knew he would never do that, he would stay near the house, and probably wonder if this was somehow his fault.

Once most people had left and we could get inside, my dad asked me if I was ready to find Max, and if I wanted to do it or wanted him to do it. My dad is a justice of the peace, performs inquests on people who die on a daily basis, and has looked for dead bodies and investigated things like fire scenes for 20 years. So, we went directly to where I knew he should be, and he was. But my dad explained how people in a fire die, and I thought you should know this too. Even though the body may be consumed by flames, or severe heat, or crushed under falling debris, the victim is unconscious before this happens, and doesn't feel it.

It is still a horrible way for Max to have died, but at least he wasn't in severe pain. He no doubt went to the closet when he could smell smoke and hear strange noises. As the smoke got thicker, he would have had trouble breathing and possibly tried to leave the closet, but that was in the direction of the most heat and smoke, and no doubt he had to go back to the closet, in fact he got underneath the clothes racks holding my wife's clothes. As the smoke got thicker, he was not getting enough oxygen. He probably coughed and felt sick, then passed out. He would have suffocated and died from lack of oxygen before the 2nd story collapsed onto the first, and all the clothes racks ripped out of the wall and covered him.

When we went to where he was, it was hard to tell what was the closet, but I knew where it should be based on the position of the bathtub. We dug through a foot of ash and sheetrock, and eventually got to wet clothes. We dug through wet clothes and eventually got to dry clothes. I dug through dry clothes and uncovered Max. We had him cremated with his favorite possessions.

I don't know if I've just had a blessed life up to that point, or it was as bad as it seemed, but that was the worst day of my life by far. Like you, I had no doubt in my mind I would have happily traded the house and everything in it to have kept Max. To this day, we still have almost daily reminders of the fire, because it has altered the entire course of our life for the past 4 years. You are still in shock. You will never fully grasp the loss of your dogs, or your possessions. But you will learn to live with it.

In the end, you'll realize it's just been a part of life, and as strange as it will seem, some things ended up working out for the best. It is still not a trade you would willingly make, but there will eventually be a silver lining. So hang in there, and take things as they come.

For us it took 2 years and a lawsuit to settle the materials aspects of the thing, I hope that goes better for you, but know that a year to recover, rebuild, settle claim, and resupply with the essentials is fairly common.

Good luck.

 

[amberwolf]

Thank you for that. I wish you hadn't had to go thru that--I wish no one ever would or did, not even my worst enemies (if I had any).

(though I seem to be good at driving people off right now, as volatile as my emotional state has been)


Yesterday because of stress and lack fo sleep, i did little but chill out with Bill and his sister Anna (who is almost the same age as my mom, although she is pretty different despite the nearly-same-name), who just got back from an extended stay in Texas. (I'm glad she's here; only thing I don't like about her being back is that her smoking/tv room is this computer room area that is just below the loft I am staying in; I have to tolerate the smoke as best I can with the air filter running on high and the main A/C unit on fan-always-on to help filter more out. When it is cool enough she often goes outside to smoke instead rather than do it in here, simply because of me, whcih I appreciate all the more because she doesnt' have to do that).


I did a little work on CrazyBike2, basically just neatening up the 12V lighting/etc harness along the toptube cuz it's been a mess for a long time, and rerouting some of the new controller/CA stuff, etc. More on that in the CB2 thread. But that's pretty much all I accomplished before it got too hot to be out there working in the driveway/carport.


I helped fix Bill's spare computer that died after a lightning storm. Looked like the CMOS just got corrupted so badly that even usign the CMOS clear jumper didn't help, and I had to take the battery out to reset it. All the hardware seems to have survived, though, except for the littel UPS it was plugged into, which was damaged in such a way that *weeks after* it had been unplugged and travelled here all the wya from Texas, after I took it out of the box and turned it over, set it down while Bill went to get screwdrivers and I went to teh bathroom, came back to a much stronger smoke smell and part of the case was pretty warm, and even looked like it had deformed a little. Opened it up and found one of the switching FETs exploded with metal gobbets floating around, and the other one burned and cracked.

The latter was still pretty warm, on it's own separate heatsink, and the former was cool room temperature, so what I think happened was that the first FET exploded from something during the storm, then as it was handled and travelled some metal gobbets rattled around in there unheard and unseen, but one somehow shorted something to the now-burned FET just as I set it down after handling it, in such a way as to burn the FET after some heating. The tiny SLA battery in there still had 13.3V no load so it probably had plenty of power to have done this, and the neg lead of it was rigth at one leg of that burned FET. I don't know where the rest of it traces to cuz I didn't bother checking; the battery was saved by Bill for other purposes, and the casing recycled, and I have the board for bits and pieces for fixing things later.

Oh, and a few days ago, I also saved the board out of my burned computer's power supply, as it didnt' appear to be damaged from the heat beyond having the wires all melted up to the exterior of the enclosure, and the powercord melted off the back. Then i tossed the rest of the comptuer in the recycling bin, having finally brought myself to let it go (the rest of it is burned up or melted pretty badly, not usable for anything but art or stink-warnings). I mostly saved the board to try to use diodes and caps out of it to test out why my Yamaha TG33's AC adapter hums so loudly, especially after it has warmed up a while. I thought perhaps a diode or cap was failing after reaching a certain temperature, but even swapping out both doesn't change that at all, so I guess the transformer laminations may just be getting loose after a couple of decades of operation (they're just "glued" together with the HV insulation goo rather than bolted or clamped).



I got a lot more sleep last night, and had one more happy dream about the St Bernards, whcih I guess makes the third happy dream I can remember since the fire (there was another one a day or two ago? about Bernadette, Tiny, Callie, Hachi and Nana). There were still lots of bad dreams and some nightmares, same as usual, but at least there was that one good one in there.


Today I went with Mark and another friend Michael to the house to do a little bit of cleanup, as the landlord finally got SRP to put in power, and he is about to start on cleanup of the outside walls/windows, so needs me to finish moving the stuff away from the walls of the house, especially what is around the side-yard.

We got a good dent in it, but it was really really hot (109F as Mark finally had to stop and leave, I'd guess around 1030-11am? I don't know what it was around 10am or so when Michael had to leave to get ready for work). Even now I still have a throbbing headache from pushing myself too hard and overheating, even though I kept drinking water and stopping to cool off, etc.

We got all the stuff by the back of the house moved away from it as far as we could, and started on the side yard, got maybe 1/3 of it.

I stayed a little longer after Mark left, to see how long I could manage before I got too stressed out and had to leave. I managed about half an hour or so, and got some of the plants and trees watered, and tied back some of the branches on trees close to the house so the landlord won't have to cut them back to work on the house. When I left I ended up having to come back, because I'd left my glasses somewhere, and looking for those was difficult because i was already pretty stressed out when I'd left, and then even more so when i realized I'd left them and didn't know where, but thankfully they were easy to find rigght on top of somethign we had all moved together.



I still have to move one of the small trees that is close to the house near the carport, but it was too hot and I had no strength left to do ti even if I could've stayed. I think I'm going to need help digging it out of there and making the hole for it to go into. Plus, where I'd like to put it is over by the sheds to shade them more, and there's a lot of stuff that still has to be sorted thru and moved in order to do that.



Most likely moving the rest of the stuff will have to wait until next week unless I can manage alone in the very early mornings the next few days, basically sunup until maybe 8am at most, because we started at 8am today and it was already too hot. (but that is when they were available to help, so...)


I definitely cant' stay there alone and do very much for very long, even if it wasnt' hot. My thoughts just keep working toward things they shouldn't, and I jsut can't handle the results. I need others there to help physically and to talk with to keep me from thinking too much. Not sure who to ask, though, cuz pretty mcuh no one I know is available at first light, and by the time most of them are it's way too hot. Since there is power perhaps it can be done after sunset, if I can setup lighting (but i'd have to do that in the daylight cuz I don't have any ligthing out and ready to use, i'd have to find all the bits and put themtogether and wire them up. The stuff I had out for the purpose seems to have either disappeared or been thoughtfully put away in boxes by previous rounds of helpers. ).

Most of the people that had helped me up to this point that could help with what's got to be done haven't responded to communications attempts since the sheds finally got put up, so I stopped trying. Obviously they're tired of dealing with my ongoing problems, and I don't blame them. Neither Tannon nor Patty have ever replied to my apologies by phone or text, so I don't have any idea what's happened there (except that at least one other person I know has seen Tannon and even though I was brought up no response was given, apparently). Many of those that have helped couldnt' help with what's got to get done now, for various reasons, so I havent' asked them.


I'll work it all out somehow. Will jsut take time.



Back to work tomorrow, dunno how long a shift I'll make it thru; we'll see. Next week is only three medium shifts, I forget what days. Dunno about after that.


Have not gotten an answer back from the St Bernard rescue group yet about being able to work with them / volunteer for them to work with the dogs, whcih I think is what I really need to do. I knwo they're busy people so it'll take time...it just bothers me because I know me being there would help me, and I am pretty sure it would help the dogs, too, to have one more person to socialize with and be doted on by.

Haven't heard back from PawItForward rescue about Tiki for a bit over a week now. Dunno if they decided I'm too crazy to deal with or what, but I had hoped to at least meet up and see her. I just sent a reminder message asking about next week (since the days I could've gone to see her this week have now already passed).

I'd also contacted AZPyrs about Snowbird, a Great Pyrenees that needs a home, and could get along with other dogs, and so could be with Bernadette the St Bernard easily enough, if she is the one I end up with from AZSBR. But I haven't heard a peep from them at all, and it's been a few days. They might just be really busy people, though, so I will be patient and wait.

I guess my situation right now is too complicated for most people to want to deal with it or me. I can't blame them but it makes my emotional state even worse.




My little sister wants to come see me but her roommate(?) has the only car available to her and he works a lot, so it's usually not available for her to use to come up here; it's a long way across the valley for her to get here, so bus/taxi/etc is not an alternative. We're hoping she'll be able to come tonite, but we had also hoped for last week and that didnt' work out either.

 

[amberwolf]

Regarding Tiki, I got a reply adn apparently the rescuer is really sick ATM; we'll see about next week if she gets better by then.


My little sister is on her way over now, so at least one more thing is going right today. :lol:

 

[amberwolf]

Visit with sister went great.

But PawItForward rescuer re-replied and said she had forgotten I was interested in Tiki, and that she'd already adopted her out to a couple that she was perfect for. Really good and happy for Tiki, since she was having trouble finding a home, though sad for me. :|


That's ok, there's lots of dogs that need homes, and now I will have one more spot available for one that really needs me, that no one else can help.


Now if only I could start helping the St Bernards...that would be as perfect as it could get without actually having them here.

 

[mdd0127]

I saw the cutest pitbull on craigslist the other day....just needing a home. He looked like a combination of Jebus and Wilbur. I immediately thought of you. Good to see you doing positive stuff!

Making any music lately?

I think it's really important to focus as much as you can on doing fun and creative things. I went out and rode bikes today with some friends and realized that there's something natural that I can do to help my headaches....Adrenalin! and Friends!..and a tiny bit of magic herbs.... :wink: We pedaled up a big hill through rocky single track, mesquite, and cacti, through washes, and up some rocky switchbacks. Probably about three miles? Then we rode back down the switch backs and took a washed out forest road back to the highway. I woke up this morning pain free for the first time in a month and I just laid there, scared to move for two hours. It felt really good. Once I got up the headache kicked in pretty quickly though and lasted until half an hour into the ride, towards the end of the day. I feel great now, just sore, but it's tolerable. Probably going to pay for it in the morning though! Hopefully not.

I might be coming down on Saturday but I'll be with a friend, possibly riding in his truck so I have no idea on scheduling. We're helping his sister in Tuscon move. I'm the tetris guy Maybe if the stars align we could meet for lunch or something.

Take it easy!

 

[amberwolf]

I saw the cutest pitbull on craigslist the other day....just needing a home. He looked like a combination of Jebus and Wilbur. I immediately thought of you. Good to see you doing positive stuff!

I wish I had a place for dogs right now; I've seen several that desperately needed a home, and most I coudln't do anything at all for; some I was able to at least let the people dealing with them know about some of the rescue groups, but I don't think any of them really wanted to bother.

Making any music lately?

Playing at the guitar and the keyboard, but haven't setup the music computer stuff yet to record it in. Finally found all the cabling and cards and whatnot to be able to at least record in the MIDI part, once I get the software installed (demo version of SONAR, until I can get replacements for my older versions from Cakewalk).

I might be coming down on Saturday but I'll be with a friend, possibly riding in his truck so I have no idea on scheduling. We're helping his sister in Tuscon move. I'm the tetris guy

I'm always the tetris guy (funny you should put it that way, too, cuz that's how I usually describe it to people, too, though few seem to get the reference).

Maybe if the stars align we could meet for lunch or something.

I work from about 4pm to 9pm on Saturday (and today, Friday), so anything from first light (when I usually wake up whether I want to or not, though I often bury my head in pillows and try to go back to sleep for a while) up to about 3pm I'm up for. Next week I don't know yet, other than it's only 3 short days.

 

[amberwolf]

I forgot to post the pics from the visit to the house yesterday.


I don't understand why, but they have torn out the concrete front porch. :?


View attachment 5





Also, the remaining tree in the front of the house is weeping at it's loneliness and mutilation. I joined it for a while, too.






Also, these are the piles of trash and recycle now. Presently that is almost all of what I had in the house. Some of it is trash because it was not mine and I had no need of it or desire for it, left there simply because I'd hoped the owners would someday wish to come back for it or because it was more trouble to get it out of the house than I could deal with at the time. Since no one has come for it, away it goes. Much of it is trash because of fire, water, or smoke damage, or because it was destroyed by uncareful handling by those moving it out of the house or moving it from existing boxes into new ones. Some of it is trash because of my emotional upset the day Tannon ran away and abandoned me there instead of accepting my apology for my stupidity in not just letting him do whatever he wanted, and coming back to help me recycle some of the stuff.



View attachment 1






At this point so much stuff is trash that I don't think I'm going to need that third shed I bought, but I'm sure it's long past the return policy, so I will see about finding a buyer for it locally, in it's still-boxed-new state.

 

[dnmun]

i have piles in my back yard too, just smaller

 

[bigmoose]

Amber, don't assume you can't take it back, untill they refuse the return.

I just took a set of brake shoes back for the return of my core charge 12 years after I bought them this week. I had the receipt, and Advance Auto Parts honored it!

 

[dnmun]

yep, home depot bends over backwards to be nice. but i would keep it if i were you. more space is better. and dry space is best. you got dry for free. we only get it briefly.

 

[emiyata]

AW we have had rain every day for a week. You are very lucky your stuff is still dry. If you had it here most of the soot would be washed off.
I see things from the past out there. TEK scope cart and old CRTs. None of them are light. With a back that can remind me I am not 18 yrs old, mine went to the scrap yard.
Best of luck on the clean up.

 

[bigmoose]

Amber, try to make this the week of getting back "into the groove" at your job. They need you! Those customers need caring for, the critters need help and you need the routine. Try as best you can to think positive, and that you can pull off a full day.

Give it your all! Try to keep the upsetting thoughts at bay. Think of those new St. Bernards you were interviewing. They need you fully back on your feet to make a home for them. Your pictures got me researching the breed to learn about them. I learned more than I ever knew, what an amazing breed!

Good luck, I know you can pull this off.

 

[winkinatcha]

^^

What BigMoose said

Rooting for ya AW!

Joe

 

[amberwolf]

It is not as easy as it sounds...when the emotions, memories, thoughts hit, they are overwhelming. Often, I am simply no longer in the "real" world, but am immersed completely in the memory. Sometimes it is an exact memory of what happened, one moment or another, and sometimes it is a memory of one of my nightmares about it, which are often wildly distorted versions of the events, usually with me actually present for the fire and deaths, but unable to do anything at all about it, or interact in any way.

Sometimes it is a memory of something happy, often commonplace, taken for granted, that then suddenly becomes either extreme sadness or extreme anger because I can feel and understand and realize that such events with that dog will never happen again. It doesn't matter that I already knew that, and understood it, and felt it; it is a loss of emotional control that I can't do anything about (trust me, I have been trying since the first time it happened).


Sometimes it is just a train of thought that slowly leads to such things, and those I can often divert, if I can walk away from whatever I am doing and concentrate on it. But if something stressful is going on, I may simply fall deeper into it uncontrollably, and then it gets beyond control and I just have to ride it out.



It gets a little easier and a little less of such things as time passes, but there are still a lot of unpredictable moments that such things are triggered by things around me--sights, smells, associations, sounds, touch, taste--everything. I can't even predict what will cause such things, because sometimes a specific thign will trigger it but almost always it will not. Almost never has it been the same trigger more than once, so far.

A hundred times I can walk past something or hear a sound or smell an odor, and then suddenly, that once, it will all just come rushing back to me and I am overwhelmed. Sometimes I am still "here" enough to be able to hurry back to the breakroom (if at work) or pull over to the side of the road and stop (if travelling) or whatever, but sometimes I am just overtaken by the experience and it is all that exists, for however long it lasts.

I have twice while riding had this happen, and apparently some part of my brain is automatically still doing the things needed to keep me upright and not hitting things, and stopping at a stop sign or a traffic light, because that's usually where I find myself, with a car (or multiples) honking at me to go, or already going around me (presumably having been honking for a while).

I lost count of the times it's happened at "home" at Bill's place, usually just while sitting here doing something, or trying to sleep, etc.

At my own house it's so common that I can't usually even be there without someone else present, or it is just totally overwhelming.

It's happened while shopping at the grocery store, and I'll have someone suddenly standing there asking me if I'm ok, because apparently I've been there in the same spot for more than a few minutes, sometimes I can feel I've been crying and sometimes I've just been standing there doing nothing, frozen in place.

It's happened at work any number of times, same as when shopping.

Sometimes if I "run" away, just hugging Phideaux to me and walking as fast as I can away from wherever it started I can "get away" from it, but it requires leaving the building wherever I am, or the yard at my house, or even the whole area (shopping center, neighborhood, etc.). And I can't go back for a while, usually, or the emotions get overwhelming again. Sometimes hours, usually less.


It is frightening to have so little control over my own emotions, because I usually have quite a lot, and I haven't felt like this since I was a little kid, or sometiems up to high school, maybe a little past then occasionally. I had to learn to control myself jus tso I could deal with people in public at all, because I am not normal, even though most people dont' see much of a difference under normla conditions--because I learned to keep them from being able to--if I hadn't, these sorts of emotional outbursts would have happened every day wherever i would be, but triggered by interactions with other people (since I didn't know what to expect from anyone around me and rarely understood why they do anything they do--I still have a lot of trouble with it but not as much as I used to). If you were to stick around me very much under normal circumstances, you'd eventually see enough differences between me and other poeple to understand a little bit, probably, depending on whether you bother to pay attention to other people (I have discovered that lots of poeple don't, and are too self-absorbed to notice or care about what others feel/etc).





Anyway, maybe that will help people understand better what I mean. Probably not, I don't seem to be able to communicate much of this whole experience very well, based on the "advice" people keep giving me. (because that advice so often is impossible to do, or isn't applicable to what's happening, as if they hadn't heard or read a word I'd said--which is in itself quite frustrating and doesnt' help my emotional state either)








Somewhat related...it's been very frustrating lately with people that have said they wanted to get together with me, or do something for/with me, or give me something, or have me do something for/with them.... Some of them don't respond to contacts (phone, email, pm, im, text, etc) at all anymore. Some respond saying "oh, yeah, sorry I forgot, let's do X at X time" or similar, and then they dont' do that either.... Some offered various things (some so generous I didn't really believe them in the first place, but went along with it) and then simply stopped responding. One ES member has done that three times to me so far, so I know not to bother responding to them anymore, cuz they obviously just like to mess with me.

I dont' actually care about the stuff itself--it's not like it's soemthing I bought but didn't get, it was just the offer of a gift that was then retracted, and in itself doesn't matter. But it is emotionally draining to be teased with things or the possibility of contact of whatever kind with people and then have them just stop talking. I feel like I must have done something wrong, and driven them away--it's happened before, and I don't know what I did in almost any case to do it. About the only such situation I am certain of what caused it was the incident with Tannon. Everything else I don't understand what I did that drove them off, but it is pretty obvious that I did something to make them not want to talk to me at all, or to stop talking for weeks, months, or longer, and then suddenly just start talking to me again as if nothing happened, and they conveniently "don't remember" anything about the prior events (or lack thereof).


It *does* make me appreciate the friends I do still have even more, even if I don't sound like it sometimes. :/






Anyway, I made it thru the last few workdays with only a few incidents, and only had to run away to the breakroom a few times, only once for more than 10 minutes (close to half an hour), and havent' had to leave early yet, with these shorter shifts.

I'm off today and the next two, then I work two not-quite-as-short shifts, that I hope I can get thru, and then am off one more day. Then the next week I work three short shifts in a row, two days off, then two more short ones. it's not set after that, because at that point I have to decide if I can return to full time or if I go part time for the next 2-3 months or so (at least, could be till late October).




A friend in France sent me one of his old music instruments, an EMU6400, and I picked it up at the post office this morning, and spent a few hours playing with it and learning it's UI enough to play some music with it, even record and save some junk sequences. (I played some nicer improvised stuff too, but it was before I figured out how to record and save.)

Before that, I was at my house with Michael from about 7am - 9am (when it got too hot) and did more cleanup, bagging up trash and taking some of it to the alley bin, some in the blue recycle bin (as much glass, plastics, paper that would fit). I'd guess we got a third of the way thru the garbage pile; there wasn't enough room for it all in the alley bin so there are some bags waiting in the yard for next week's trash collection. Bulk trash pickup won't be for another 2-3 months, and I'd rather it not all sit there that long, so I'll put as much as I can in regular trash in the meantime. That way I get yard space back to use to sort things in easier.


I also stuck a few things outside the fence for people to take free if they want them; if theyr'e still there when I am next by the house (except for tomorrow morning, when we go back again for more of the same), then I'll stick them in the alley trash if they'll fit, or the recycle bin if it's been emptied, or bakc in teh yard otherwise, so the city can't complain about stuff being left "streetside" on non-bulk-trash weeks.



It was stressful being at the house even with Michael there, but nothing like when i'm alone there. I had a few bad moments, but was able to deal with them ok mostly because I didn't have to interact with other people that required my attention--that's where I think the real problem of being at work comes from, not the fact that it is at the pet store, but that when people need to interact with me for whatever reason, if I am not ready for that, my emotional backlash will upset them, too--and I don't have any control over it most of the time. If I can just ride it out without interruption, it's ok (or at least, as ok as possible in such a situation).

 

[winkinatcha]

Hey AW,

'Cos of my past experience I actually think you are communicating very well here on ES, cant say fer sher how that would equate in Real Life, but personally communication to me is a lot more than what you might say or do, the understanding of what you are going through, (to a degree (our individual experiences will never be exactly the same, but there are enough parallels that I beleive what you are going through is not so strange)) plus the effects Post Trauma of varying levels I've personally experienced means I have a bit of an insight of where you are coming from. Helps a little that I've been an outsider most of my life too (by choice, kinda, Asperger's is a tough one to deal with when it comes down to "is this my CHOICE or is it something I'm gonna do anyway cos of my mental make-up/damage/experience...?") so I can "see" a little of where your perceptions and related feelings come from. even though you might think you are being harsh to others sometimes when emotions ambush you, it makes sense to me.

For what it is worth, I KNOW how bad the current crap that you are going through and have gone through is. I believe so do a number of other people who have written on this thread.

I Also Know that there is an end, a gaining of control, a return to as normal as you are going to get. there will be happiness and fulfillment, and shit days and people and awkward interactions and moments of sheer awesomeness just like before the recent shit hit the fan. That probably doesn't help when you are gasping for air trying to at least SEE let alone deal with what's around you. I am sorry.

I have no formula for success, 'cept time and exercise and understnding that the OUTSIDE world doesn't really change just 'cos you've been smacked hard and are still reeling...
People still want to help and offer help but dissappear, just like they used to do, People still give awesome responses just cos you ask for help, or ignore you and treat you like some smelly homeless beggar just like before. (substitute you for me or I as appropriate )

As tough as it is, in as much as I do so understand (cos I get the same feels most every day) I feel I have to pass something to you when you say:
" If you were to stick around me very much under normal circumstances, you'd eventually see enough differences between me and other poeple to understand a little bit, probably, depending on whether you bother to pay attention to other people (I have discovered that lots of poeple don't, and are too self-absorbed to notice or care about what others feel/etc). "

this bit:
(I have discovered that lots of poeple don't, and are too self-absorbed to notice or care about what others feel/etc)

has a huge potential to bite you in the ass... 'cos right now, my friend (if I can take the liberty to call you that, n possibly that liberty will be wiped by you upon reading this) you ARE self absorbed (and I think, at the moment in time it's justified, but it is blinding).

though you might be being hurt n dissappointed from (some of) the advices and stuff that other people offer, I think that you might possibly be missing that the INTENTIONS of these people are good, n maybe they are not so good at communicating as we'd like but they are trying to offer some support, even if it comes out wrong, or as some knee-jerk advice that you have already explained is inappropriate or is some ridiculous offer that can't be true or the start of communication that never goes anywhere.

People can be overwhelmed by tragedy of others, and react and offer immediate stuff that that is actually beyond their capacity, their lives already full of the struggles we all go through, and once THEIR initial reactions, offers and actions are cooled by their own struggles and realities, they can find that they can't follow through, or wont.

This is normal

This is how people are (not all people but many people)... How many people pledge monies and donations after stuff like Katrina, or or Japan tsunamis, or jailed whistle blowers or tragic accidents and never follow through? A hell of a lot.

Understanding this is hard when it is YOUR tragedy. I admire that you are open with your reactions and revealing where (some) of other peoples actions and words are basically NOT helping, DESPITE their intentions. Even though some people COULD be hurt cos they have failed to help and dont want to know or own that.

I am struggling with the concept of whther YOU should care about other peoples feelings, or notice that they are trying to help, particularly if (some of) that help seems to be just further hits to you

well... I am not saying that you should, and my personal experiences of tragedy and the various situations that have occurred in my life that freaked people out has often been that I spend more time supporting other people who are trying to support me. "It's OK I will walk again, see!... It's OK though I have lost loved ones in horrid ways, I will overcome... See! It's OK though I have been screwed over by people I have helped in the past... I WILL offer unconditional help again... See!"

It can get wearying, and sometimes I just hide away from the world for a bit...

Not about me though... The point of all this waffle?

You don't understand how and why (some) other people are reacting in ways that hurt you in relation to your tragedy.

Understanding (and accepting) those reactions that are giving you more grief is is tough, difficult and probably irrelevent to your current circumstances.



I just hope you understand that saying "depending on whether you bother to pay attention to other people (I have discovered that lots of poeple don't, and are too self-absorbed to notice or care about what others feel/etc)."
is precisely what you are doing right now

This is not an accusation, this is not a "bad" thing, it is what it is and is what I expect particularly with what you are going through/ have gone through. I beleive you NEED to be looking after yourself and getting back on your feet. I want you to do that, and it is a good thing...

BUT i hope you understand when I say you should not be surprised, dismayed or hurt by the same in others.

It is people, you me n all ES is people, we cant be totally looking after everyone else in an appropriate and relevent and perfect (in the eyes of those we are trying to help) way all the time, despite our intentions, or we would all fall down and break.

But we will still do what we can, even if the result sucks... and I am sorry if the result sometimes sucks for you right now. I DO beleive that the "results" that DON'T suck for you from those that get it right far outweigh the ones that get it wrong. I truly truly hope so. I can't wait for you to get better and better, and would give my right testicle to have it happen... but I think if I sent you my right testicle that would be irritating to say the least .

It might not feel like it right now but I care for ya, man, and am STILL rooting for ya, 'cos I beleive even tho its just words.. its SOMETHING... and from the outside, I HOPE that is better than nothing but I understand if you feel otherwise.

Joe

 

[amberwolf]

I think you're almost certainly correct; I am probably even more self-absorbed than usual now, and I certainly am missing a lot of stuff in others' situations around me.

Actually, I always do, cuz I often don't understand how they cover up what's really happening with all the social lubrication masks, and I see the mask as the reality. Even though I have even learned to myself wear a mask like most do, and keep it inside so I don't scare everyone away or make them mad at me (which used to happen a lot, and still does sometimes when I forget or lose my control), I often still expect the same thing I did before I figured out that most people play that "game" of social interaction that includes so many disguises and "little lies" and masks of real feelings and opinions.


And I apologize for it...but it still disturbs me that people don't notice stuff. I'm not talking about here in text-world, but rather real-world in-person interactions, and not just with me, but with others.

I guess it is indeed a lot worse right now, cuz I feel like I'm lit up with a neon sign with "PAIN" written all over it, but unfortunately it is really only visible to those that got the special glasses in their crackerjacks. And I shouldn't really expect people to see it, especially since I am still unconciously putting on my masks, especially at work and out in public.



So, my apologies for ranting about it...it's not really fair for me to do so.

 

[amberwolf]

So today was another crappy day so far.
http://endless-sphere.com/forums/viewtopic.php?f=2&t=12500&p=752269#p752269
Basically the donated Grin 20" hubmotor wheel has a nice motor but crappy spokes/lacing (insufficient tension, probalby not even possible to tension them correctly given spoke gauge/length vs rim strength), so four spokes broke in the last few days and at least 6 more today, making the wheel unrideable at more than 5MPH due to it's egg shape and not knowing when it will just collapse from lack of spokes "holding it together".

I emailed Grin about buying a complete set of new spokes plus spares sometime late yesterday, so they haven't had any time to respond yet, since I had a number of questions for possible options (like if a non-radial lacing is possible, and what length spokes I'd need for that, and if double-butted spokes of a smaller gauge would help, etc).

I think i also need to contact JRH and see if he can build this motor into a moped rim and spokes instead, so that I might actually be able to consider it reliable, under the conditions I normally have to deal with.

Because I wasn't yet sure of the two new wheels on the bike yet, I have been avoiding all of the routes that have bad road edges and other rough road, and only riding it where it's smooth and level, for the most part. there have been a few bumps and small potholes that were unavoidable, but nothing like what I usually have to put wheels thru, and nothing that has ever broken a previous properly built wheel, even on this bike. So its' not like its' been abused yet.

Anyway, I had a couple of pretty bad times while fixing the wheel, and didn't end up being able to help either of the people that came to help *me* clean up my own house/yard, because I was still trying to fix the bike by the time they were worn out and had to leave. And I was already more than half an hour late in meeting them there in the first place, because of the 6 new broken spokes this morning, and I was stressing out that they would have to leave without even starting, before I even got there (if I even *could* get there), even though I'd let both of them know what was wrong and that I was going to be late.


I finsihed fixing it basically just as they were done and leaving, so I headed back to see if I could catch Bill and Anna at breakfast, but they weren't at any of the usual haunts or at the house, so I guess they went on errands or something like yesterday. That leaves me here by myself which in my current mood is not the happiest thing in the world.

I tried to be constructive by getting a hot shower to clean up, taking out some trash and recyclables, putting away some of my mess here in the loft that i've been letting slide, but none of it took my mind off anything. Tried to play music but I am not in the state of mind that lets that soothe me at all; it is just frustrating. Tried to sit and meditate upon nicer thoughts, but just kept going back to the bad stuff that's happened the last few days. Now I am just sitting here typing out what I am feeling/thinking, and it sort of helps. I guess I just need to talk it out with someone.

So today is not a happy day.



If it werent' for the dangerous roads near the Humane Society due to the construction near there for the light rail extension, I would go over there and see if seeing the dogs there would help at all, but with the way things have been going, something else would break and either strand me there or get me hit by a car, cuz many of the drivers going thru there do very stupid things becuase they are impatient. And pedestrians and cyclists do even stupider things, causing the cars to have to avoid them and then pissing the drivers off, which makes it even worse. I've already experienced it a few times and each time there were close calls, so I think it best to just avoid the whole area until they get done, however many months or years from now that is.


I REALLY wish I could go up to the St Bernard rescues and be with them.