Anyway, the timeline here for that event. [my in the moment impressions]
"omg so hott" face looking downward left and right. [My impression; she looks unusual and like she's possessed, kind of like an alien. I suspect plotting.]
infatuation look. [Looks good, but not entirely convinced... I didn't know, can't really convincingly read her. Very subtle signs.]
choking on her words baby noises. [With the distance and plotting suspicion earlier, and the fact I couldn't read her infatuation convincingly, I suspected she was truly disinterested and she was trying to manipulate me. Endearing me for her gain, while I believed she really wasn't interested. And this does actually happen in real life... girls pretending they like you and then taking advantage of them, especially if you have something they want.]
Anyway... I can't forget to understate the fact she came off as a freak/weirdo. Recalling it while working outside, yeah, that definitely was there; that whole "Wow, she is effing weird" repulsive feeling. But, at the same time... I almost feel like I was precisely attracted to her because of it.
Seems I'm not isolated in this sentiment...
https://books.google.com/books?id=byDbBQAAQBAJ&pg=PA42&lpg=PA42&dq=she%27s+a+frocking+weirdo&source=bl&ots=hl8TcXeCKG&sig=944BHZTE-cnB1wZxQ8x5sk8-pMQ&hl=en&sa=X&ved=0ahUKEwig0cT43bTVAhUd24MKHdwVCfsQ6AEIOzAE#v=onepage&q=she's%20a%20fucking%20weirdo&f=false
Crazy frocking woman. She did not change, she's still a frocking weirdo.
But this dynamic didn't really apply by the time of the infatuation stage.
I literally thought she disinterested though, by the way she was staying back as she was. It almost seemed like I could sense fear and distrust, in spite of the infatuation, and...
*rolled eyes, shook head, angry, rejected her; we came back around though I'd say within 10 seconds*
*she lunged forward, crying as if saying "Where are you going? I LOVE YOU!"*
*She looked downward, with those grieving eyes, as if she had just lost her soulmate and it was weighing heavily on her soul* [It was look of extreme despair; like if you can imagine them momentarily widening up to 10X their normal size and the eyebrows furrowing downward*
It didn't look like this, but it was pretty much this intense
*I'm still in the midst of the repulsive rejection phase keeping my distance from her*
*extremely nervous, talking to me in a noticeably high pitched nicer voice*
*Bit confused at first, like wtf... I'm not sure if I believe this... but then I'm kind of noticing, oh wait, she does like me*
*start smilling and being friendly again*
*She smiles and starts acting a little bit excited* "You got to go watch portlandia! It's called GOING BANANAS! Yeah, that's it!"
"Oh yeah definitely will*
*She's definitely really excited by this point*
*takes the bags leaves*
*couple of seconds later*
"hey mister, you have an excellent day!"
"Yeah, you too, and have an /awesome/ life!"
*then she starts the heavy affectionate tones on the next customer, and I'm thinking... does this girl flirt with everyone or is she trying to make me jealous? lol*
Yep, so that's what was going on there. But, after much thinking and research, I realized all of my suspicions were completely unfounded and what actually happened seems like it was more like one might expect. Anyway, it became kind of obvious she was interested in me after I withdrew, and I'd say the internal suspicions mostly vanished I'd say within 5-10 seconds. But... I can't say they 100% disappeared... it did take like a good month to figure out everything that was going on step-by-step and not default to the 'paranoid' explanations in absence of a good explanation.
....
Let's focus on that newly identified emotion I was detecting that I believe /really/ led to my anger and rejection of her. (Deep-seated) Fear and distrust.
According to google, there appears to be fear & distrust between...
Different 1800s european countries
Blacks and police
Americans and congress
What's the common thread...
The enemy.
She thought I was the enemy.
That seems kind of hard to admit with how her infatuation was surging and how she acted like she just lost a soulmate... but... it's not hard to suspect that perhaps deep down I was regarded as 'the enemy'. And why would that be...
It's pure speculation at this point, lol. Water under the bridge.
But if this were true, I being regarded deep down as 'the enemy', I don't really honestly see a stable foundation for anything longterm. Not that I wouldn't try, but I wouldn't put too much of my wealth/assets at risk.
I really do wonder the "why", though. I almost think my insight is completely fallacious as it seems inconsistent with (much) of her behavior before and after. But, yeah, I can't deny she had a fake-ass smile for a while when she was first talking to me. Granted, I don't know if she's trying to "be polite" or she was "masking her utter disregard for her enemy", lol, but... yeah anyway, lol.
Maybe I'm reading too much into it. Maybe simple trust issues, I mean, I wouldn't necessarily trust someone acting way out of the norm you know.
If there was deep-seated distrust, oh, that'd be a different animal that'd be difficult in changing.
But, I just don't see that being likely because... I just don't see that kind of chemistry going on with someone I wasn't "on the same page" with in terms of personality. If there's too much difference, attraction is highly unlikely from the outset.
---------------
Anyway, I did have the choice of not reacting to her 'meanness' and just passing it on by like I would any standard cashier. If I had, I guarantee she wouldn't regarded me as she did afterwards. Why? Because it wasn't until I demonstrated my fearlessness in pursuit of her, that she really started... what's the word... intensely bonding... through eye contact... did her regard for me really change. And that's because I directly evoked the powerful emotions within that she wouldn't otherwise had experienced. So, yeah, it was ultimately because of a choice I made, not that it was "inevitable" by any means. I.e., there really was no 'destiny' involved, otherthen me possibly having been destined to not deny my compulsion and thus destiny thereof.